Friday, December 20, 2013

Christmas To-Do


My Facebook Status: “What does Christmas mean to me this year? Just more shit I have to do on a Wednesday. 

I can’t say that I’m in the holiday spirit this year, or any year after I turned 12 for that matter.  The holidays go from being a magical time of year that you spend counting your loot while hyped up on chocolate snowmen when you’re a kid, to a lot of fucking work when you’re an adult.  But isn’t everything a lot of fucking work when you’re an adult?  This year Christmas is on a dreaded Wednesday, which means I’ll be working on all the surrounding weekdays.  Although, I don’t have it as bad as the poor souls who have to work on Christmas or late on Christmas Eve because we can’t take a break from spending all the money we don’t have any day of the year.

On the holidays I spend my one day off of work cooking, cleaning, caring for children, staving off passive-aggressive comments from relatives, and sometimes doing homework.  I’m not sure how to find the holiday spirit in all of that.  The only magical thing that I can think of happening is finding the time for an all-day nap.  We all know my Christmas wish will never ever come true though.  Mom is everyone’s favorite workhorse. 

Christmas is my relatives’ favorite time of year to catch up with me while making sure to stomp all over my self-esteem, because that’s what Christmas is all about.  One of them will inevitably ask if I tried to do my hair and makeup after being sucked up by an EF5 tornado.  I’ll think, “I may have messy hair but at least I won’t die crazy and alone in a state run mental institution.” I won’t say that though, I’ll just nod and smile while reaching for another Christmas cookie. 

There is one upside for me; I am done with all my Christmas shopping!  That means I’m more broke than usual and I’ll be sobbing in the checkout lane the next time I go grocery shopping, but I’m done shopping!  I guess I also get pretty excited every year about setting up the tree so the cats can mutilate it, knock it over, and then track the needles everywhere so I can find them for the next 9 months.  Vacuuming every 5 minutes is absolutely my favorite hobby. 

While we’re looking on the upside of things, I have finished everything on my Christmas to-do list except for my Christmas cards.  I ordered them late, of course, and there is still a 99.783462% chance I’ll lose all my motivation and never actually send them.  Best case scenario, they will be after-Christmas-but-hopefully-before-New-Year's-but-maybe-not-and-you're-lucky-if-you-get-one-by-June cards.  If anyone judges me, I promise their elf on the shelf will suffer an unspeakable, drawn-out and all together grotesque death.

One of my kids got sick this morning so maybe I’ll get lucky and we’ll be able to spend Christmas at home, throwing up and watching my favorite bloody Christmas movies (Lethal Weapon and Die Hard, duh).  One can only dream though, one can only dream...

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