Friday, October 25, 2013

Balling…Bitches


My Facebook status: I'm not falling-asleep-at-my-desk-while-typing-tired, but I'm my-eyeballs-hurt-and-I-don't-want-to-live-anymore-tired. #ballinglikeasinglemom 

When you think of a single mom, I know the first thought that pops into your head is, “Man, that bitch is balling.”  We single moms, and moms in general for that matter, are certainly balling.  Hard core.  How else are we balling, besides acting like those oh, so trendy pop culture zombies?  Let me tell you...

If noise canceling headphones, or even better, a total loss of hearing, would change your entire outlook on life, you’re balling like a single mom.

If you find yourself comparing your coworkers to your kids’ developmental stages, like, “my cubemate is definitely in her tyrannical, demanding, freely-farting terrible threes, I mean thirties,” then you’re balling like a single mom.

If you leave the house without realizing you have child puke/poo or thrown/drooled food on your shirt, you’re balling like a single mom.

If you notice the puke/poo/food glob, and wipe it up with a dash of water after realizing you have no other clean clothes, then dash out the door because you're always late for everything, you’re balling like a single mom.

If you’re happy to watch anything but the Disney channel, even if it’s that weird local government channel whose only viewer in the history of time was my blind and deaf grandpa, then you’re balling like a single mom.

If you think about staying in your closet or bathroom for the rest of your life at least 85 times a day, then you’re balling like a single mom.

If the Pok√©mon theme song just came on your iPod shuffle, you’re balling like a single mom.

If your milkshake brings all the toddlers to the yard, then you’re balling like a single mom.

If your idea of a gourmet meal is making Mac n' Cheese on the stove instead of in the microwave, you're balling like a single mom.

If your last love affair was with a TV character, you're balling like a single mom.

If you're not sure where that smell is coming from and you're too tired to care, you're balling like a single mom. 

No matter what you do in life, always remember to keep on balling...bitches.

With Love (unless you’re creepy, then pretend I signed this “Kind Regards,” you creepy creepster),

Single Mommy-fied



Sunday, October 20, 2013

Misery Loves Coffee


I’m going to start with a collection of Facebook statuses I’ve posted over the last few months that capture my mood fairly well:

I just realized my vehicle registration is due this month, it's like there's a black hole where my wallet should be.

No one ever warned me when I was young that the kids would take all my money and my job would take my soul.

If you're ever feeling bad, remember, you can be rich and famous and still die decrepit and alone.  There, now you feel better.

"I've tasted freedom and I'm never going back!" -Me at lunchtime every day

I bought all the kids' school supplies today so I'm going to go cry in my closet for a week.

It would be super neat if kids didn't fight you on every single thing that's good for them. "MOM! I don't want to exercise, be clean, brush my teeth, change my underwear, be nice, eat well, go to school, not get hit by cars or break bones, sleep, or think about the consequences of anything EVER!!! GOD, I hate you!!!"

*tousles hair and falls over from exhaustion* It's hard being a sexy bitch when you're an overtired mom.

Why is happiness always fleeting, but misery likes to hang out, have coffee, kick your dog, etc.?

Lately life has been getting me down.  I am not even dealing with anything earth shattering right now.  I am simply bogged down by being an adult.  I have to go to work every day to support my family and after work I have to do hours of homework to bring my family to a better place.  I have to take my kids to their activities, which turns my 10 hour day away from home into a 12 or 13 hour day away from home.  I have to clean, I have to help out family and friends, and I have to go to social obligations.  I have to work hard at raising good kids, which means arguing with them, loving them, and disciplining them until they submit to being moral, productive non-psychopathic adults.  As Steve Martin says in the movie Parenthood, “My whole life is have to.”  I find myself living for the weekends and vacations lately. 

This is nothing everyone else on the face of the earth hasn’t gone through.  You may think I have it tougher because I am doing it by myself.  Maybe that’s true, and maybe it’s not.  I can think of worse things than being a single parent, for instance, having an abusive or substance addicted spouse to emotionally and physically clean up after.  Even though generations and generations of people have gone through this, and let’s face it, they had it worse, I mean, they didn’t even have iPhones and Marvel movies and Marvel movies on their iPhones, why is it so hard sometimes?  Maybe it’s hard because no one likes to talk about the difficult aspects of life, which leaves too many people feeling alone in their human condition (what a fantastically perfect description of life on earth, a “condition”).

I usually only like to write a blog when I can come up with some lovely insight, a conclusion, or a funny idea I want to relay.  I don’t have any of those things this time, but I picked up my computer and started writing anyway.  My brain may just be avoiding doing the hours of homework I have due this weekend, but I think I’m actually writing to tell you all that you’re not alone.  Life is hard, even the everyday not-catastrophic happenings, those things are hard too.  Life is one big marathon; we all go through highs, lows, can’t-go-ons, plateaus, and about-to-wins! all the time. 

My way of dealing with it all is, quite simply, to keep on moving.  While I’m busy putting one foot in front of the other, I think about the best things in life and wait for the moments I get to enjoy them.  My “best things” are kids, music, superhero movies, books, comedy, creativity, and friends (the awesome ones, not the needy, manipulative ones, they suck and they have ugly shoes on).  Oh, and the second part of my life strategy is to keep on laughing.  Work hard, keep on moving, stick with the people who love you, control the things you can control, and laugh about the things you can’t control.  

Oh man, I think that was a (very weak) conclusion.  I’m sorry; I lied to all of you.  I never know what’s going to come out of my head when I start these things.  I’ll make it up to you by writing something funny in the near future...or I may disappear into the abyss of the internet forever and ever after buckling under the pressure of having to be funny because I’ve made a promise to my thousands of readers (25, it’s more like 25). 

p.s. My second choice for the title of this post was “Black Hole Wallet.”  It lost out because it wasn’t particularly descriptive of the content.  Can someone please use it for the name of your band/car/daughter/dog?  I think it has more life to live.