For the first time I am starting to experience what I shall call Smug Married Couple Syndrome. (I stole the term “smug married couple” from Bridget Jones’s Diary.) Smug Married Couple Syndrome is characterized by a condescending and loudly proclaimed pity for all single people, especially for those single people over 30 years old. Honestly, I have only experienced this horribly annoying pity from the Smug Married Wife of the aforementioned Smug Married Couple, but it does seem to be a common disease that needs to be addressed. I don't have enough money to pay Brad Pitt to read a Smug Married Couple public service announcement, so I am going to address it here.
I would like to illustrate an example of Smug Married Couple Syndrome so that you’ll really understand what I am talking about. I recently was out for a girls’ dinner to celebrate my friend’s first wedding anniversary. (Please don’t ask how this came about, it’s not important. I said it’s not important!!) My friend was talking about how grumpy and grandpa-like her grandpa has become towards his wife, which made me start talking about how my grandma and step-grandpa used to wage bitter, psyche-scarring wars with each other when they were supposed to be taking me and my sister on “vacation.” That’s what happens when you pick your spouse while drinking non-stop and then decide to permanently sober up I guess. Anywhooo…I stopped my story about my feuding, ex-alcoholic relatives, and said, “Oh wait, we’re here to celebrate love, not to talk about cranky old married couples.” My friend replied with, “Yeah, we married for true love, you just fucked up.”
I have been thinking about that joke waaaaaay more than I should, and I would like to say a few things about it.
1) Where did that come from? Did she think of that years ago, and this was the first vaguely relevant opportunity to fling this particular insult?
2) My husband cleaned out our bank accounts, left me for another woman when I had no job, and a baby, and toddler to raise, AND I have been single-momming for nearly 10 years now. I think I have been sufficiently punished for my questionable choice in men. I do not believe that I need a newlywed to rub said choice in my eyeballs with Disney-princess-true-love-coated-boiling-acid.
3) If you still believe in true love, you’re a schmuck. I will not hesitate to remind you of your youthful ideals when your spouse gets hit in the pelvis by a bus or a 25 year old waitress, and you decide you want to try dating again.
4) All of you Smug Married Wives are this close (I’m holding up my fingers really, really, really, really close to each other) to being me. I understand that this is scary for you, but you should play nice, in case there actually is such a thing as karma…and buses that hit people in the pelvis.
Why do people have absolutely no qualms about saying these totally socially inappropriate things to an exhausted mom whose entire goal in life is to try and be the best mom she can be? I am going to work on a blog that outlines what you should not say to an over 30, working, single mom and tape it to my forehead, because apparently a lot of people in my life need some stringent guidelines laid out so they can stop treading on my self-esteem. That’s officially my next project. So anyway, to be continued…soon. I promise.