Saturday, January 19, 2013

Ladies, Don’t Bother

The following amazingly fantastic conversation took place on a post on my personal Facebook page. If you are unfamiliar with the infamous LDB, you may want to read this blog first: http://www.singlemommyfied.blogspot.com/2012/03/sayonara.html. If the internet has murdered your attention span and you don’t want to read the other blog, here’s what you need to know: LDB (long distance boyfriend) was a friend from my teenage years. I dated him last year. He told me he wanted to marry me, have my babies, etc. and then never called me back after I left him a message that my friend saw his active dating profile on Match.com.

A note regarding the friends below, Bonnie is a graphic designer (which is why she is spectacularly awesome and talks in memes sometimes) and married to Clyde. Buck is a childhood friend of mine. Names have been changed to protect the hardly-innocent and to make them more ridiculous.

My Facebook Status: “I'm designating today The Day of the Douche. It was so douchetastical, I don't even want to talk about it.”

Comments

Me: Assbaggery abounded.

Buck: The douche planets were certainly in alignment today.

Bonnie: You could have just printed out this picture, added a popsicle stick to the bottom to hold it up, and whenever anyone gets all douchebaggity on you, hold it up in front of your face:

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Clyde: I made a promise to myself that I am not going to get angry...it’s worked for a whole week so far. I also have a Keurig on my desk which no doubt helps.

Bonnie: You could use this one I just made for you too!

Me: Today was extra special. LDB was texting me because he finally read the blogs and was upset, mostly about the part where I said he was only okay in bed. He also thought we vilified him. I told him he could write his side and I would post it. He declined and said, “I kind of like being vilified by some blogger and those who live vicariously through the blog.” I’m too boring to live vicariously through, so that part is just ridiculous.

Bonnie: I'm actually laughing out loud at the LDB.

Buck: He's a Doucheasaurus Rex. Douchebaggery of the highest order!!!

Bonnie:

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA. I seriously think LDB is only texting me because he wants me to retract the bad in bed comment. He keeps saying he wants “fair, unbiased reporting.” Out of all the shitty things he did, this is what he cares about.

Bonnie: I couldn't think of anything to write underneath. Buck - think of something!

Buck: HAHAHAHAHA.....Bonnie, you're my hero.

Bonnie: or Clyde think of something. Tasteless is your forte after all.

Buck: RRRAAAAAAWWWWRR

Bonnie:

Me: You guys always know how to cheer me up.

Buck: Point of order.... Where did Clyde go??? He never weighed in with an inappropriate comment as requested.

Blanche: LDB needs a more insulting name.

Me: I am sooooooo open to suggestions.

Buck: Long Distance Douchebag??

Buck: Long Distance Doucheapotomous.

Buck: Long Distance Doucecanoe

Buck: Long Distance Douchefuzz

Buck: Lazy Damn DoucheMcStuffins

Clyde: Douchasaurus Rex... caused extinction of entire epoch

Clyde: Douchasaurus Rex... 6 inch teeth. 1 inch penis. All prick.

Clyde: Douchasaurus Rex...you know what they say about guys with disproportionately small hands.....

Me: Small brains.

Clyde: Douche...Rex... meat eater at dinner... vegan in bed.

Clyde: DR: cold dead fuck

Clyde: DR: sex never felt so ordinary.

Clyde: DR: pea sized brain... dinosaur sized ego.

Clyde: I'm here all week...

Clyde: DR: likes to lie to women to get sex...hates it when they tell truth about the sex

Bonnie: Clyde. We need the acronym to be LDR. You need more L.

Clyde: DR: open mouth, insert foot.... chew.

Clyde: I was going after your picture caption award.

Clyde: We are looking for LDB acronyms?

Bonnie: Did you not read the rest of the entire post? sheesh

Me: Let the poor man answer one question at a time people. Both, we need both.

Clyde: Lick-Dick Bait

Clyde: Lonely Donut Banger

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA, oh my lord, I like that one.

Clyde: Last Date Blew

Clyde: Likes Dick Broth

Clyde: Lil Dandy Boy

Me: I like Lonely Donut Banger the most, but I'm pretty sure the other ones will piss him off more. LDB texted me today that "everyone on the blog can drink a nice big cyanide slurpee for all I care and then rot in the bowels of hell for all eternity." So I think we got to him. (See why I was a touch cranky today?)

Clyde: Aww... Losing Dickless Baby.....

Bonnie: Really? He didn't think he deserved all that after all his shit? Really?

Me: Really. I said the same thing.

Bonnie: Well he knows he's only "meh" in bed, and that's why he's uber pissy about the blog.

Buck: Long Distance Bescumber

Clyde: Long distance buttcummer

Clyde: ... cyanide slurpee was the best comeback he had?

Buck: I'm curious what that'd taste like. I haven't had a slurpee in ages.

Clyde: Cyanide slurpee-- Have one before you die!

Clyde: Bonnie...activate. We need a graphic of that immediately. I love having a sexy graphics artist at my beck and call.

Me: Does she smack you when you say "Activate!"? Even if she does, it's okay, we can't see it.

Me: The other thing he said was he hates us and hopes we all die of syphilis.

Clyde: Of syphilis?? Isn't that eradicated? I hope he dies of polio in a ramshackle...shack....in Waziristan! So there!

Bonnie: LDB didn't even make those up on his own. Lacking Demiurgic Banter.

Clyde: Does he have any pubic hair? Are you sure he isn't maybe 13?

Bonnie: I’m not sure my capabilities extend to death by cyanide slurpee syphilis...

Me: If you can't do it Bonnie, no one can.

Clyde: I was thinking the old style guy-in-suit-beer-saying-poster-guy.

Bonnie: You're thinking of the "Most interesting man" meme Clyde.

Clyde: That might be an interesting twist...

Bonnie: He'd be least interesting man.

Bonnie: The meme has to be like "I don't always "blah blah blah,” "but when I do" “blah blah blah.” So, like “I don't always insult LDB, but when I do, it's more creative than cyanide slurpies and syphilis.”

Clyde: When I lie to women to sleep with them, I expect it to be the best sex they've ever had.... expectant douchebag meme?

Clyde: Guy holding something in his hand that looks flaccid? Like a baseball player with a droopy bat....

Me: This is absolutely fascinating. Is this how all memes get made?

Clyde: ... or a guy looking all proud with a girl holding up her fingers with a "1 inch" look... sort of like those old timely ecards...

Clyde: Oh wait...maybe he's holding a douche bag like a cocktail drink.

Clyde: Long Bangly Balls.

Me: Did I mention that he sent me a Christmas card? HAHAHAHA...oh I hate every man I've ever dated. Kill me.

Bonnie: Sooooo. What did this card say?!?! "Even baby Jesus thinks I'm a douche?"

Clyde: He did? That is just spite... rubbing it in. MENDONTSENDCHRISTMASCARDS. All I got you for Christmas was the shitty memory of me bagging you....I will continue to use that against you passive aggressively... it'll be fun!

Bonnie: No really. They don't. You know how many cards I've sold to men? NONE.

Clyde: I don't like it when you talk about me in public to others... hey guys... guess who I bagged last night....!

Me: If anyone says "Where do you find these guys?" I will punch them in the gnads. That goes for all the ladies too.

Clyde: Ladies Don't Bother

Bonnie: Or Little Disappointing in the Bedroom

Bonnie: I maybe am missing out on an untapped fountain of income. Manly cards. What kinds of cards do men send?

Me: He has a son Bonnie; it was just pictures of him and the kid in different places. I don't know, I destroyed it in a firestorm of fury and sadness.

Clyde: Likes Dating Briefly, Lies don't Bother -- 'Less dick broadcast..... Leaves daddy breathless....

Clyde: That was a masterpiece....I AM A POETIC GENIUS

Bonnie: I'm still thinking of man cards. Maybe with like pterodactyls on them or something.

Clyde: I am going to invent a device that you wear around your shoulder and it continuously pats you on the back.

Bonnie: Well, on the bright side Katie, you aren't married to a narcissist (rolling eyes at Clyde).

Clyde: And I am going to paint that poem on the hand.

Clyde: Bonnie had to look that word up.

Bonnie: It doesn't even rhyme Clyde!

Clyde: To know what it meant and then again to spell it.
Bonnie: I did not. I did have to rely on spell check to write it though.

Clyde: Poetry does not have to rhyme...quoth the raven.

Buck: Say the people who can't make poetry rhyme.

Clyde: My fist, your face. That's where it’s going-- right here right now.

Clyde: Said the cow.

Buck: Bring it code monkey!

Bonnie: Never mind him. He's a pansy and not even a poetic one.

Clyde: If you have any poo... throw it now...drops microphone...walks off stage....

Me: You can tell it's getting late because everyone left the group thought train to pursue their own trips...

Dorothy: Do a caption that's something like "I don't always ask a woman to 69, but when I do it's via text" oh I just hate that guy!

Bonnie:
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Buck: "Massengill beer. Skunky watered down taste for the undiscerning douche."

Buck: After this becomes a blog, if he hated us before, I can't wait to see what he says about us now!!! What flavor slurpee would be worse than cyanide??

Me: This is the best Day of the Douche I've ever had.

And that’s how memes are made, and lonely old spinsters are cheered up. Is this the end of the LDB saga? God, I hope so.

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