Monday, March 12, 2012


My Facebook Status: “Today’s updates will be sponsored by shitty boyfriends everywhere. I’m going to post all my saved up LDB [long distance boyfriend] updates today and then we are never going to talk about him ever again. Excuse me while I get this out of my system.”

I had a break-up therapy day on my Facebook page on Friday, and good lord did it make me feel better.  I love my friends.  I wanted to share it here too for you non-Facebookers.  The following are the statuses I posted on Friday, some funny comments from my friends and a transcript of the best conversation I have ever had.

The statuses (that surely will scare off all future boyfriends): 

One of my friends saw LDB on I told him via voicemail, and haven’t heard from him since. Now I’m going through a stage called overanalyzing myself until I have no self-esteem left.
March 9, 2012 9:03am

LDB went from telling me he wants to marry me to picking up women on What a kick in the vagina.
March 9, 2012 9:33am

LDB: “I want to marry you.”
Me: “Are you sure you want to deal with me until I ‘accidentally’ pour Windex in your coffee when you’re 70?”
March 9, 2012 11:43am

[This one just snuck in there, damn you short attention span!]  I was in the work warehouse and Footloose came on my iPod. The urge to dance and do giants from the rafters was almost uncontrollable.
March 9, 2012 12:21pm

LDB: “We should have another baby.”
Me: “Are you good at waking up at night for feedings and not running off with a bartender when the baby is a year old?”
March 9, 2012 1:44pm

I should have known LDB wasn’t Prince Charming when he texted, “I’m excited to see you, wanna 69?”  Live and learn I guess.
March 9, 2012 4:13pm

Don’t worry friends; I will be back to my I-want-to-live-alone-and-never-be-married-again-because-all-marriage-ends-in-death-and/or-misery self shortly. Thanks for all the comments today.
March 9, 2012 5:28pm

Here are some more good LDB quotes: 

"I love you."

“We are soulmates.”

“I love you more than I ever loved my ex-wife.  I knew I didn’t want to marry her, I just went through with it anyway.”

“I'll take care of you.  I’ll move there and take the kids to all their activities so you can study and get to bed on time.  School will be so much easier.”

“I would rather die,” when I asked him if we should take the kids to the science center.

Here are some of my favorite comments made by my Facebook friends: 

“You can be my mistress…I just have to check with my wife and see if it’s okay with her.”

“WTF? I know people…we could take care of this…”

“Somebody should kick him in the vagina.”

“What is it with dating now?  Do men think because I’m a single mom and have been married before I want to hear I want to marry you, I love you, and I want kids with you like right away?  It’s like a new level of douchebag.  I miss the days when they were just trying to get in my pants.  That at least I could understand. “

“Does LDB stand for ‘limp dick bitch’?”

Regarding the ‘69’ comment: “How is that not a compliment?”

“Strychnine is way more effective than Windex.”

And finally here is, by far, my favorite conversation about the demise of my relationship:

My friend: "Hopefully the sex was good at least."

Me: "Eh, not the best. I suppose I should think about that when I'm sad."

Friend: "Yeah, think about how if you had gotten married he wouldn't have made any money anyway AND the sex would go from bad to awful."

Me: "Plus, I think he tries to collect women like trophies so I'm sure that would continue..."

Friend: "Yep, and you'd be back at square one with another $35k husband who thinks his dick is some kinda million dollar dick."
Sayonara LDB.

Single Mommy-fied (‘till I die)

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