My Facebook status: “LDB (Long Distance Boyfriend) hasn’t called or texted since Friday. How long does this have to go on before we can classify him as ‘Lost at sea’?”
I am taking a class called Analyzing Pride and Prejudice to fulfill an arts credit. Our assignment this week was to read a conduct manual on marriage and courting written in the 1700s and to compare it to The Rules website (http://www.therulesbook.com/topten.html). The Rules is a series of books written by two women to teach single women to find a husband. The Rules franchise has been around forever so I should have been making fun of it a long time ago, but I purposely avoided reading it until now. I can tell you that not much has changed with “the rules” for snagging a husband since the 1700s. Us single women are supposed to be putting on a certain exterior image in order to trap a man and force him very, very forcefully to love us. I have so far been an F student in this particular subject.
I wanted to go over some of The Rules, mostly because I hate suffering alone. Also, this gives us a good chance to analyze what I’ve done wrong in all my relationships. Yay! Okay, here we go. I am going to skip some of them since they are long and irritating.
p.s. The fact that I had this assignment this week just proves that Santa Claus hates me.
*big sigh* *cracks knuckles* Okay, THE RULE #1: “Be a creature unlike any other. Being a creature unlike any other is really an attitude, a sense of confidence and radiance that permeates your being from head to toe. It's the way you smile (you light up the room), pause in between sentences (you don't babble on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare), breathe (slowly), stand (straight) and walk (briskly, with your shoulders back). When a relationship doesn't work out, you brush away a tear so that it doesn't smudge your makeup and you move on!”
Well, I think you can tell by my blog that I am definitely a “creature unlike any other”. Although instead of breathily looking demure, I like to swear, laugh loudly, and do my stand-up comedy routines whenever I talk to anyone. I don’t think that is what these ladies have in mind on the unique front. Also, I like to bottle up my emotions for months/years/decades so when I cry it doesn’t come out as one tear so much as a torrential downpour of sorrow.
THE RULE #2: “Show up to parties, dances and social events even if you do not feel like it. Realize that you may not meet Mr. Right naturally and that you therefore must take social action immediately even if you don't want to. Get a manicure and go out on another date or to that singles dance -- do something to increase your chances of meeting men.”
Why would I be going to parties when I could be taking naps? I’m not getting a baby sitter for all that shit. Plus my cats don’t like it when I’m gone.
THE RULE #4: “In an office romance, do not email him back every time he emails you unless it is business related. On all non-business e-mails, responding once for every four of his e-mails is a good rule of thumb. Remember, you never know who has access to your e-mail, so keep all romance off the screen and save it for Saturday nights.”
This one should be titled “How to set up your lover for a sexual harassment lawsuit.”
THE RULE #5: “If you are in a long-distance relationship, he must visit you at least three times before you visit him. Remember, the first three visits are really nothing more than three dates... and on the first three dates we don't have sex with a man or have him stay at our place overnight.”
Whoopsie. I met him halfway for a weekend trip on the second visit. No comment on the second part of this….
THE RULE #7: “If he does not call, he is not that interested. Period. We know this is hard to accept, but it's not that he hasn't called because he's busy, or because you didn't smile or talk enough (or did too much). It's not that he lost your phone number. The bottom line is, if he hasn't called, he's not that interested.”
WE WENT OVER THIS! HE IS LOST AT SEA GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!
THE RULE #8: “Close the deal – Rules women do not date men for more than two years. If you've followed The Rules, your man probably loves you and wants to marry you. Your problem is not if he marries you, but when! If it's been more than a year, see less of him and think about dating others. You've already spent more than a year waiting for him to propose; do you have another year to wait?”
This one should be called “Do you even realize how much your chance of conceiving drops at the age of 30? Do you?!!!” Who cares if you think this guy is your soul mate! Ditch this loser and find someone willing to put a giant ring on your finger! Babies! Marriage! Expectations! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!
THE RULE #10: “Keep doing the RULES even when things are slow. Take care of yourself, take a bubble bath and build up your soul with positive slogans like "I am a beautiful woman. I am enough."
The dating business is slow? How about you invest in your hobbies, your interests, your education, your health? Read a fucking book! Go for a run! Watch a show that isn’t on ESPN or The History Channel while you still can! Live! Live for you! DO IT!