Monday, March 26, 2012

I Spent my Hopes and Dreams at Super Target

My Facebook Status: "Me to my coworker: “I’m going to Target for lunch because I like doing un-fun things with my entire day.”

Some of you may be thinking,  "What???!!! You don't like Target?  There is endless amounts of cheap, fashionable shit to spend your money on there!  How could you not like it?"  Okay, I admit that Target has lots of fun stuff.  Where else can you buy Xanax, lingerie and dog food all in one shopping trip?  I get it.  The problem here is that I've been a single mom for 8 years which has turned me into a cheap bastard.  Anything involving spending money is not fun for me anymore. 

The other problem I have with grocery shopping is that I've done 98% of my shopping with kids for the last 11 years.  The kids and I cannot seem to come to a meeting of the minds on how to spend my money.  I made you some graphs to illustrate because I know you like graphs:

The kids don't agree with my spending habits and they are very vocal about it:


And this is how I would actually like to spend my money:


Now do you see why every time  I swipe my debit card at the store a little bit of my soul (one-way ticket to Tahiti) dies?

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Hello Life

Every time I go through a break up, I go through a phase of self-examination which is really a self-hatred fiesta.  I have been celebrating how much I suck with a full blown self-loathing jubilee the last few weeks.  A couple of days ago an ex-boyfriend (not LDB) interrupted my merrymaking with an IM.  We talked about why I hate him (I don’t have weak emotions.  Ever.  About anything.) which of course turned into a talk about the break-up.  He said he had lied to me when we broke up.  He said he broke up with me because he couldn’t be good enough for me at the time.  When we broke up two years ago, he had told me he didn’t want to see me ever again because he was in love with his ex-girlfriend.  He is either lying now or was lying then (my guess is that he’s lying now), but that’s really not important now.
I had a moment of realization after catching up with him and finding out how much he has not grown up at all in the last two years.  I suddenly realized that all these asshole exes, who broke my heart in various painful, self-esteem killing ways, did me a huge favor.  None of them were really the right fit for my life.  My life consisting of work, and homework, and smelly children (my own and other people’s), and coaching, and soccer/basketball/baseball/gymnastic competitions.  Most of my exes' lives consisted of working, drinking, and no kids (this includes my ex-husband who pretended like he didn’t have kids and headed for the bar every night).  Drinking.  There was a lot of drinking going on with them.  A lot of drinking in crummy, run-down, shit-hole bars.  I am severely discontented when I am made to sit in dark bars watching people drink their sorrows/boredom away.  I can take a two hour tour of that bottomless pit of human existence once a year and then my tolerance runs out.  If only these exes had a hobby or two besides drinking, but oh, they didn’t, and they don’t.  When you’re in your 30s and your only life pursuits are work and tequila, that probably isn’t going to change.
I guess the point is that I remembered very suddenly that I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself about being an unlovable mutant.  I remembered that being alone with my life is better than being with someone who likes vodka more than they like me.  Being alone is better than being with someone who says they “would rather die” than go to the zoo with my little family.  Being alone is better than being with someone who says “kids should be seen and not heard.”  Being alone isn’t so bad.  Especially when it’s 80 degrees in Chicago and the flowers are blooming.  Hello Spring.  Hello sun.  Hello crazy kids to try and teach soccer to.  Hello life.  Here we are again, just you and me.  Nice to see you again.

Monday, March 12, 2012


My Facebook Status: “Today’s updates will be sponsored by shitty boyfriends everywhere. I’m going to post all my saved up LDB [long distance boyfriend] updates today and then we are never going to talk about him ever again. Excuse me while I get this out of my system.”

I had a break-up therapy day on my Facebook page on Friday, and good lord did it make me feel better.  I love my friends.  I wanted to share it here too for you non-Facebookers.  The following are the statuses I posted on Friday, some funny comments from my friends and a transcript of the best conversation I have ever had.

The statuses (that surely will scare off all future boyfriends): 

One of my friends saw LDB on I told him via voicemail, and haven’t heard from him since. Now I’m going through a stage called overanalyzing myself until I have no self-esteem left.
March 9, 2012 9:03am

LDB went from telling me he wants to marry me to picking up women on What a kick in the vagina.
March 9, 2012 9:33am

LDB: “I want to marry you.”
Me: “Are you sure you want to deal with me until I ‘accidentally’ pour Windex in your coffee when you’re 70?”
March 9, 2012 11:43am

[This one just snuck in there, damn you short attention span!]  I was in the work warehouse and Footloose came on my iPod. The urge to dance and do giants from the rafters was almost uncontrollable.
March 9, 2012 12:21pm

LDB: “We should have another baby.”
Me: “Are you good at waking up at night for feedings and not running off with a bartender when the baby is a year old?”
March 9, 2012 1:44pm

I should have known LDB wasn’t Prince Charming when he texted, “I’m excited to see you, wanna 69?”  Live and learn I guess.
March 9, 2012 4:13pm

Don’t worry friends; I will be back to my I-want-to-live-alone-and-never-be-married-again-because-all-marriage-ends-in-death-and/or-misery self shortly. Thanks for all the comments today.
March 9, 2012 5:28pm

Here are some more good LDB quotes: 

"I love you."

“We are soulmates.”

“I love you more than I ever loved my ex-wife.  I knew I didn’t want to marry her, I just went through with it anyway.”

“I'll take care of you.  I’ll move there and take the kids to all their activities so you can study and get to bed on time.  School will be so much easier.”

“I would rather die,” when I asked him if we should take the kids to the science center.

Here are some of my favorite comments made by my Facebook friends: 

“You can be my mistress…I just have to check with my wife and see if it’s okay with her.”

“WTF? I know people…we could take care of this…”

“Somebody should kick him in the vagina.”

“What is it with dating now?  Do men think because I’m a single mom and have been married before I want to hear I want to marry you, I love you, and I want kids with you like right away?  It’s like a new level of douchebag.  I miss the days when they were just trying to get in my pants.  That at least I could understand. “

“Does LDB stand for ‘limp dick bitch’?”

Regarding the ‘69’ comment: “How is that not a compliment?”

“Strychnine is way more effective than Windex.”

And finally here is, by far, my favorite conversation about the demise of my relationship:

My friend: "Hopefully the sex was good at least."

Me: "Eh, not the best. I suppose I should think about that when I'm sad."

Friend: "Yeah, think about how if you had gotten married he wouldn't have made any money anyway AND the sex would go from bad to awful."

Me: "Plus, I think he tries to collect women like trophies so I'm sure that would continue..."

Friend: "Yep, and you'd be back at square one with another $35k husband who thinks his dick is some kinda million dollar dick."
Sayonara LDB.

Single Mommy-fied (‘till I die)

Friday, March 2, 2012

Rules Schmules

My Facebook status: “LDB (Long Distance Boyfriend) hasn’t called or texted since Friday. How long does this have to go on before we can classify him as ‘Lost at sea’?”

I am taking a class called Analyzing Pride and Prejudice to fulfill an arts credit. Our assignment this week was to read a conduct manual on marriage and courting written in the 1700s and to compare it to The Rules website ( The Rules is a series of books written by two women to teach single women to find a husband. The Rules franchise has been around forever so I should have been making fun of it a long time ago, but I purposely avoided reading it until now. I can tell you that not much has changed with “the rules” for snagging a husband since the 1700s. Us single women are supposed to be putting on a certain exterior image in order to trap a man and force him very, very forcefully to love us. I have so far been an F student in this particular subject.

I wanted to go over some of The Rules, mostly because I hate suffering alone. Also, this gives us a good chance to analyze what I’ve done wrong in all my relationships. Yay! Okay, here we go. I am going to skip some of them since they are long and irritating.

p.s. The fact that I had this assignment this week just proves that Santa Claus hates me.

*big sigh* *cracks knuckles* Okay, THE RULE #1: “Be a creature unlike any other.  Being a creature unlike any other is really an attitude, a sense of confidence and radiance that permeates your being from head to toe. It's the way you smile (you light up the room), pause in between sentences (you don't babble on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare), breathe (slowly), stand (straight) and walk (briskly, with your shoulders back). When a relationship doesn't work out, you brush away a tear so that it doesn't smudge your makeup and you move on!”

Well, I think you can tell by my blog that I am definitely a “creature unlike any other”. Although instead of breathily looking demure, I like to swear, laugh loudly, and do my stand-up comedy routines whenever I talk to anyone. I don’t think that is what these ladies have in mind on the unique front. Also, I like to bottle up my emotions for months/years/decades so when I cry it doesn’t come out as one tear so much as a torrential downpour of sorrow.

THE RULE #2: “Show up to parties, dances and social events even if you do not feel like it.  Realize that you may not meet Mr. Right naturally and that you therefore must take social action immediately even if you don't want to. Get a manicure and go out on another date or to that singles dance -- do something to increase your chances of meeting men.”

Why would I be going to parties when I could be taking naps? I’m not getting a baby sitter for all that shit. Plus my cats don’t like it when I’m gone.

THE RULE #4: “In an office romance, do not email him back every time he emails you unless it is business related.  On all non-business e-mails, responding once for every four of his e-mails is a good rule of thumb. Remember, you never know who has access to your e-mail, so keep all romance off the screen and save it for Saturday nights.”

This one should be titled “How to set up your lover for a sexual harassment lawsuit.”

THE RULE #5: “If you are in a long-distance relationship, he must visit you at least three times before you visit him.  Remember, the first three visits are really nothing more than three dates... and on the first three dates we don't have sex with a man or have him stay at our place overnight.”

Whoopsie. I met him halfway for a weekend trip on the second visit. No comment on the second part of this….

THE RULE #7: “If he does not call, he is not that interested.  Period.  We know this is hard to accept, but it's not that he hasn't called because he's busy, or because you didn't smile or talk enough (or did too much). It's not that he lost your phone number. The bottom line is, if he hasn't called, he's not that interested.”


THE RULE #8: “Close the deal – Rules women do not date men for more than two years.  If you've followed The Rules, your man probably loves you and wants to marry you. Your problem is not if he marries you, but when! If it's been more than a year, see less of him and think about dating others. You've already spent more than a year waiting for him to propose; do you have another year to wait?”

This one should be called “Do you even realize how much your chance of conceiving drops at the age of 30? Do you?!!!” Who cares if you think this guy is your soul mate! Ditch this loser and find someone willing to put a giant ring on your finger! Babies! Marriage! Expectations! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!

THE RULE #10: “Keep doing the RULES even when things are slow.  Take care of yourself, take a bubble bath and build up your soul with positive slogans like "I am a beautiful woman. I am enough."

The dating business is slow? How about you invest in your hobbies, your interests, your education, your health? Read a fucking book! Go for a run! Watch a show that isn’t on ESPN or The History Channel while you still can! Live! Live for you! DO IT!