And the finale, Best of 2011 Status Updates, Part Why Won't This Bitch Shut Up?:
Seriously, if you haven't joined my Facebook page by now, why are you even reading this? www.Facebook.com/SingleMommyfied
I’m making cookies with lots of love (and just a little bit of cat hair) for two of my oldest, dearest friends.
September 2, 2011
The kids are on their first flight ever. They have asked me 458,000 questions since we got to the airport.
September 20, 2011
The kids have deemed O’Hare far superior to Miami International in terms of friendliness of staff and cleanliness. In their words: "That lady was super mean, and these bathrooms are disgusting. What happened to the rotating paper covers?"
September 26, 2011
Having some drunk, angry kid try to get into my apartment last night made me realize I have the nerves of a baby rabbit.
October 4, 2011
I saw a Dukes of Hazzard car speeding in the suicide lane to get around traffic...as it should be. Way to live the dream man.
October 18, 2011
Do you ever clean the kids’ bathroom then walk in the next day to find pee in the toilet, toothpaste all over the sink, and towels all over the floor? Then you sit down on the floor to lament all the life choices you made that lead to this very moment? Oh. Me neither.
October 22, 2011
My small town coworker: "I met the ops manager when I was at corporate. That guy is slick, he’s really made it."
Me: "That’s the guy who sends out the emails to announce when the refrigerator is being cleaned."
October 29, 2011
I’m going as an overtired working mom for Halloween. My clothes are slightly mismatched, my nails were painted last 4 months ago, I have giant bags under my eyes and I’m 15 minutes late for everything.
October 31, 2011
Reading my globalization textbook before bed is like trying to settle in by watching Saw.
November 1, 2011
Is "I hate your dumb face" an appropriate response to an email from a coworker?
November 8, 2011
Is it Thanksgiving yet? I need some fucking pie.
November 9, 2011
The kids don’t want to watch Killers because of the title. Pussies.
November 11, 2011
The Hallmark Channel has been playing shitty made for TV Christmas movies instead of The Golden Girls all week.
Life to Me: "Checkmate bitch."
November 21, 2011
Sometimes opening up my work laptop feels like opening up the gates to hell and sauntering in with my coffee cup in hand.
November 22, 2011
Luke asked if he could have pie for breakfast. THAT’S TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE LUKE!
November 28, 2011
We finished off the pie last night. Thank goodness, now the kids can stop crying when I eat it for breakfast and don’t let them have any.
November 29, 2011
My latest Twitter follower has a girl’s picture and an email that starts with "cum-facials". I’ve seen enough NCIS episodes to know she’s going to end up dead on a toilet somewhere.
December 2, 2011
Luke: "Mommy, give me those eggs, you’re going to chuck them on the ground." For the record, I only did that once.
December 3, 2011
My daughter hasn’t picked a fight with me in three days. I feel as if we’re growing apart. :(
December 5, 2011
Luke and the stupid black cat are putting together the Christmas tree. This might take awhile.
December 12, 2011
Here's hoping for plenty more highly entertaining dysfunctional life situations in 2012! Happy New Year!