Wednesday, February 1, 2012

My Facebook Addiction-Part Deux

Best of 2011 Status Updates, Part Deux:

Don't forget to like my page on Facebook!


Kitchen tennis is a difficult game to play when your kitchen is only 10 feet by 4 feet. Now we have a ranch flavored tennis ball.
May 13, 2011 

Corporate America ate my soul...and my hopes....and my dreams...and my pride...and this cute little black sweater I had, I swear I left it at the office and now I can’t find it anywhere.
May 18, 2011

I may suffer from Suburbanitis, a disease that overtakes suburban mothers transforming them into khaki wearing servants to their children.
May 20, 2011 

Something has to give. So far my sanity is in the lead.
May 23, 2011 

On the 8th week of woo-ork, my new job gave to meeeeeeeeee....8 asshole salesmen, 7 gossipy coworkers, 6 broken promises, 5 delayed insurance requests, 4 nasty rumors, 3 creepy cubemates, 2 late paychecks and 1 unsatisfied, underpaid, burnt-out employ-eee-eee-eeeee....
May 23, 2011 

I heard a radio commercial that said they would be playing all the oldies from the fall of 1980 all weekend long. I think that son of a bitch just called me an oldie.
May 27, 2011 

My child is beautiful and rotten, just like her mama. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!!!!! (Don't call child services, that was just a Highlander reference.)
May 31, 2011 


How is it possible to get ants on the third floor? These must be the ghosts of the ants I murdered in a gleeful rage in the last apartment.
June 5, 2011

Why do I drive to work in floods and blizzards? Because I am cattle, hear me moo.
June 9, 2011 

Aging not-so-gracefully since 2008.
June 14, 2011 

I got a new cheap, cottony, tube top dress. I look like a fucking whale in it. It is now officially my Sunday dress.
June 19, 2011 

DESPERATE PLEA FOR ATTENTION!!! (What? I thought I would just skip to the chase.)
June 21, 2011 

I am perpetually exhausted, I’m popping migraine pills like they’re Tic Tacs, and I ate three pieces of candy today. This is a dark, dark road I’m on. Ladies and gentlemen, you may want to avert your eyes.
June 27, 2011 


I was babysitting my cousin’s three boys last night. I told the middle child it was time for bed, he ripped off his diaper, grabbed a bottle with one hand, my hand with the other, and walked me upstairs. That sort of thing hasn’t happened to me in years.
July 3, 2011 

I really think my quality of life would greatly increase if I became an alcoholic.
July 20, 2011 

I recently learned that it’s not your hair color that makes you pretty; it’s whether or not you put mascara on that day. Oops, I mean, it’s your soul. Your soul is what makes you pretty. Definitely.
July 21, 2011

My friend told me that going to Disney World will change my entire outlook on life. She better be right or I’m kicking Mickey in the balls.
July 31, 2011 


I wonder if someday I’ll be able to go shopping with the kids and not feel like I’m leading a three ring circus.
August 10, 2011

Did anyone else ever get beat up by their older sister while she was wearing just a tank top and undies or is my poor son alone in that?
August 23, 2011

To Be Continued...

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