Saturday, February 25, 2012

Relationship Terrors

My Facebook Status:  “It's been a day since I got back and Long Distance Boyfriend didn't break up with me yet.  Maybe he's just being polite and waiting two weeks.”

I have never really talked about my ex-husband on my blog.  To make a long story short, he was a dickwad.  He cheated on me when I was a stay-at-home mom to our 1 and 3 year old.  He woke me up at 2 a.m. one night, after he had been out doing I-don’t-want-to-know, and told me he had a girlfriend who he thought he loved.  He said he wanted to be married and have a girlfriend.  At $35,000 a year, he was clearly outside of the acceptable income bracket that allows a wife to put up with a girlfriend.  I think a man has to make at least $200,000 a year to qualify for a wife and a girlfriend.  

I am not great at expressing my feelings when I'm angry.  I told him to go to the store and get me a pack of cigarettes even though I had quit smoking a few years before.  When he got back with my 20 little coping mechanisms, I told him to leave and not come back.  I sat on the porch and drank the only liquor in the house, a bottle of Tequila Rose, which looks and tastes like Pepto-Bismol and smoked that whole pack of cigarettes.  Why is this relevant now you ask?  Well, all of my relationship anxiety for the last EIGHT YEARS originated in that very moment.

My brain has a hard time believing that there is a man in existence that will not lie and cheat on me.  I have had a handful of relationships in the last eight years that have not helped with my trust issues.  We will just call them Cheater, Liar, Married, Bipolar, Dopey, Grumpy, and Sleepy.  Part of the problem here is that my Asshole-O-Meter seems to be broken.  It is balls on accurate in normal situations.  It can detect an asshole from 100 yards except when said asshole wants to sleep with me.  Then the batteries fucking disintegrate.  

So now in comes Long Distance Boyfriend (LDB).  He lives a few states away.  I first met him when I was 17.  We reconnected over Thanksgiving and started talking on the phone all the time.  We decided to meet half way between our respective homes for a long weekend mini-cation last weekend.  I was an anxiety-ridden mess the entire weekend.  I was self-conscious about the kids on top of all the aforementioned anxiety I always have when it comes to men.  Everything was going okay…until Sunday, which seems to be my family’s weekly meltdown day.  It’s nice to have traditions.

My son is the sensitive one out of my two kids which really seems to bother most men.  My son was being a pain in the booty all morning and was not listening to me.  LDB was teasing him about it and eventually, of course, my son burst into tears.  Meanwhile, we were walking around the mall and my daughter was having a fit because she wanted me to buy her clothes.  Apparently she lost her mind and forgot that I have no money.  

So my daughter is super busy acting like a spoiled brat and my son is super busy bursting into tears.  We took them back to the hotel and my daughter, per her usual style, would not stop blaming me for her bad attitude.  It was my fault she was acting badly, because I wouldn’t buy her clothes.  God, I am an asshole.  After a few more minutes of this, I burst into tears.  I was so embarrassed that they were acting like this in front of LDB.  Wheeeeee.  I wanted to break up with me after all of that.  I really, really, really wish it was possible to break up with myself.   

LDB did not call all week after we got home, I got a few texts but that was about it.  I told everyone I was starting the countdown to the break up.  And then he called, “Hey Honey.  How was your week?  Blah, blah, blah, blah, okay, I love you.  Bye.”  Hmmmmmm.  Breakup countdown canceled.  Or maybe he’s just waiting a couple of weeks?  Breakup countdown back on….

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

My Facebook Addiction-Part Why Won't This Bitch Shut Up?

And the finale, Best of 2011 Status Updates, Part Why Won't This Bitch Shut Up?:

Seriously, if you haven't joined my Facebook page by now, why are you even reading this?


I’m making cookies with lots of love (and just a little bit of cat hair) for two of my oldest, dearest friends.
September 2, 2011 

The kids are on their first flight ever. They have asked me 458,000 questions since we got to the airport.
September 20, 2011 

The kids have deemed O’Hare far superior to Miami International in terms of friendliness of staff and cleanliness. In their words: "That lady was super mean, and these bathrooms are disgusting. What happened to the rotating paper covers?"
September 26, 2011 


Having some drunk, angry kid try to get into my apartment last night made me realize I have the nerves of a baby rabbit.
October 4, 2011

I saw a Dukes of Hazzard car speeding in the suicide lane to get around it should be. Way to live the dream man.
October 18, 2011

Do you ever clean the kids’ bathroom then walk in the next day to find pee in the toilet, toothpaste all over the sink, and towels all over the floor? Then you sit down on the floor to lament all the life choices you made that lead to this very moment? Oh. Me neither.
October 22, 2011

My small town coworker: "I met the ops manager when I was at corporate. That guy is slick, he’s really made it."
Me: "That’s the guy who sends out the emails to announce when the refrigerator is being cleaned."
October 29, 2011 

I’m going as an overtired working mom for Halloween. My clothes are slightly mismatched, my nails were painted last 4 months ago, I have giant bags under my eyes and I’m 15 minutes late for everything.
October 31, 2011 


Reading my globalization textbook before bed is like trying to settle in by watching Saw.
November 1, 2011 

Is "I hate your dumb face" an appropriate response to an email from a coworker?
November 8, 2011

Is it Thanksgiving yet? I need some fucking pie.
November 9, 2011

The kids don’t want to watch Killers because of the title. Pussies.
November 11, 2011

The Hallmark Channel has been playing shitty made for TV Christmas movies instead of The Golden Girls all week.
Life to Me: "Checkmate bitch."
November 21, 2011

Sometimes opening up my work laptop feels like opening up the gates to hell and sauntering in with my coffee cup in hand.
November 22, 2011 

Luke asked if he could have pie for breakfast. THAT’S TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE LUKE!
November 28, 2011

We finished off the pie last night. Thank goodness, now the kids can stop crying when I eat it for breakfast and don’t let them have any.
November 29, 2011


My latest Twitter follower has a girl’s picture and an email that starts with "cum-facials". I’ve seen enough NCIS episodes to know she’s going to end up dead on a toilet somewhere.
December 2, 2011 

Luke: "Mommy, give me those eggs, you’re going to chuck them on the ground." For the record, I only did that once.
December 3, 2011 

My daughter hasn’t picked a fight with me in three days. I feel as if we’re growing apart. :(
December 5, 2011 

Luke and the stupid black cat are putting together the Christmas tree. This might take awhile.
December 12, 2011

Here's hoping for plenty more highly entertaining dysfunctional life situations in 2012!   Happy New Year!

My Facebook Addiction-Part Deux

Best of 2011 Status Updates, Part Deux:

Don't forget to like my page on Facebook!


Kitchen tennis is a difficult game to play when your kitchen is only 10 feet by 4 feet. Now we have a ranch flavored tennis ball.
May 13, 2011 

Corporate America ate my soul...and my hopes....and my dreams...and my pride...and this cute little black sweater I had, I swear I left it at the office and now I can’t find it anywhere.
May 18, 2011

I may suffer from Suburbanitis, a disease that overtakes suburban mothers transforming them into khaki wearing servants to their children.
May 20, 2011 

Something has to give. So far my sanity is in the lead.
May 23, 2011 

On the 8th week of woo-ork, my new job gave to meeeeeeeeee....8 asshole salesmen, 7 gossipy coworkers, 6 broken promises, 5 delayed insurance requests, 4 nasty rumors, 3 creepy cubemates, 2 late paychecks and 1 unsatisfied, underpaid, burnt-out employ-eee-eee-eeeee....
May 23, 2011 

I heard a radio commercial that said they would be playing all the oldies from the fall of 1980 all weekend long. I think that son of a bitch just called me an oldie.
May 27, 2011 

My child is beautiful and rotten, just like her mama. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!!!!! (Don't call child services, that was just a Highlander reference.)
May 31, 2011 


How is it possible to get ants on the third floor? These must be the ghosts of the ants I murdered in a gleeful rage in the last apartment.
June 5, 2011

Why do I drive to work in floods and blizzards? Because I am cattle, hear me moo.
June 9, 2011 

Aging not-so-gracefully since 2008.
June 14, 2011 

I got a new cheap, cottony, tube top dress. I look like a fucking whale in it. It is now officially my Sunday dress.
June 19, 2011 

DESPERATE PLEA FOR ATTENTION!!! (What? I thought I would just skip to the chase.)
June 21, 2011 

I am perpetually exhausted, I’m popping migraine pills like they’re Tic Tacs, and I ate three pieces of candy today. This is a dark, dark road I’m on. Ladies and gentlemen, you may want to avert your eyes.
June 27, 2011 


I was babysitting my cousin’s three boys last night. I told the middle child it was time for bed, he ripped off his diaper, grabbed a bottle with one hand, my hand with the other, and walked me upstairs. That sort of thing hasn’t happened to me in years.
July 3, 2011 

I really think my quality of life would greatly increase if I became an alcoholic.
July 20, 2011 

I recently learned that it’s not your hair color that makes you pretty; it’s whether or not you put mascara on that day. Oops, I mean, it’s your soul. Your soul is what makes you pretty. Definitely.
July 21, 2011

My friend told me that going to Disney World will change my entire outlook on life. She better be right or I’m kicking Mickey in the balls.
July 31, 2011 


I wonder if someday I’ll be able to go shopping with the kids and not feel like I’m leading a three ring circus.
August 10, 2011

Did anyone else ever get beat up by their older sister while she was wearing just a tank top and undies or is my poor son alone in that?
August 23, 2011

To Be Continued...