My Facebook Status: “It's been a day since I got back and Long Distance Boyfriend didn't break up with me yet. Maybe he's just being polite and waiting two weeks.”
I have never really talked about my ex-husband on my blog. To make a long story short, he was a dickwad. He cheated on me when I was a stay-at-home mom to our 1 and 3 year old. He woke me up at 2 a.m. one night, after he had been out doing I-don’t-want-to-know, and told me he had a girlfriend who he thought he loved. He said he wanted to be married and have a girlfriend. At $35,000 a year, he was clearly outside of the acceptable income bracket that allows a wife to put up with a girlfriend. I think a man has to make at least $200,000 a year to qualify for a wife and a girlfriend.
I am not great at expressing my feelings when I'm angry. I told him to go to the store and get me a pack of cigarettes even though I had quit smoking a few years before. When he got back with my 20 little coping mechanisms, I told him to leave and not come back. I sat on the porch and drank the only liquor in the house, a bottle of Tequila Rose, which looks and tastes like Pepto-Bismol and smoked that whole pack of cigarettes. Why is this relevant now you ask? Well, all of my relationship anxiety for the last EIGHT YEARS originated in that very moment.
My brain has a hard time believing that there is a man in existence that will not lie and cheat on me. I have had a handful of relationships in the last eight years that have not helped with my trust issues. We will just call them Cheater, Liar, Married, Bipolar, Dopey, Grumpy, and Sleepy. Part of the problem here is that my Asshole-O-Meter seems to be broken. It is balls on accurate in normal situations. It can detect an asshole from 100 yards except when said asshole wants to sleep with me. Then the batteries fucking disintegrate.
So now in comes Long Distance Boyfriend (LDB). He lives a few states away. I first met him when I was 17. We reconnected over Thanksgiving and started talking on the phone all the time. We decided to meet half way between our respective homes for a long weekend mini-cation last weekend. I was an anxiety-ridden mess the entire weekend. I was self-conscious about the kids on top of all the aforementioned anxiety I always have when it comes to men. Everything was going okay…until Sunday, which seems to be my family’s weekly meltdown day. It’s nice to have traditions.
My son is the sensitive one out of my two kids which really seems to bother most men. My son was being a pain in the booty all morning and was not listening to me. LDB was teasing him about it and eventually, of course, my son burst into tears. Meanwhile, we were walking around the mall and my daughter was having a fit because she wanted me to buy her clothes. Apparently she lost her mind and forgot that I have no money.
So my daughter is super busy acting like a spoiled brat and my son is super busy bursting into tears. We took them back to the hotel and my daughter, per her usual style, would not stop blaming me for her bad attitude. It was my fault she was acting badly, because I wouldn’t buy her clothes. God, I am an asshole. After a few more minutes of this, I burst into tears. I was so embarrassed that they were acting like this in front of LDB. Wheeeeee. I wanted to break up with me after all of that. I really, really, really wish it was possible to break up with myself.
LDB did not call all week after we got home, I got a few texts but that was about it. I told everyone I was starting the countdown to the break up. And then he called, “Hey Honey. How was your week? Blah, blah, blah, blah, okay, I love you. Bye.” Hmmmmmm. Breakup countdown canceled. Or maybe he’s just waiting a couple of weeks? Breakup countdown back on….