Saturday, January 14, 2012

My Facebook Addiction-Part One

My Facebook Status: “I think Facebook has become my interactive diary. I would dial it back a bit but I think my head would explode from trying to hold in the random thoughts.”

I decided to put together a blog of my favorite status updates of 2011 from my personal Facebook page, mostly because I have been too tired to rant about anything lately. Hopefully you still get a laugh, despite my laziness.  I was also too lazy to really edit the length down so I am breaking it into three parts.  Happy New Year!

Click the “Like” button on my Facebook page if you’re dying for more (or even if you chortled a little, pleeeeaaasssse!!): www.Facebook.com/SingleMommyfied

Best of 2011 Part One:

January

The older I get, the more time I spend sober. I think I`ve got this all backwards. 
January 12, 2011 

My mom gave me back all the pictures I drew for her as a kid. That’s the last picture of sunshine and rainbows with "I love you Mom" that you get from me you ungrateful bitch.
January 18, 2011 

I wish grocery carts had horns.
January 22, 2011 

I just got up and sternly lectured the cats about playing so loudly while everyone else is trying to sleep. These are the things that happen when you live alone for too long.
January 27, 2011

I just saved one of my spreadsheets with the name "fuck you". I think this means I`ve stopped caring.
January 28, 2011 

February

I think that if you’re over 25 years old you should NOT walk around with a bejeweled butt.
February 1, 2011 

My boss called in sick today so the work ladies won’t stop gabbing. I can tell I didn’t get enough sleep because I’m having an uncontrollable urge to rip my eardrums out of my head.
February 7, 2011 

I think it’s funny when the words "rewarding" and "job" are used together.
February 23, 2011

After recently hearing what my bachelor guy friends do with their weekends I realize why God invented wives.
February 27, 2011 

March

If toddlers could express themselves more succinctly (specifically to a nearby mental health professional) there is no doubt in my mind they would be classified as clinically insane.
March 2, 2011

I have my mother’s eyes...except without the crazy behind them.
March 14, 2011 

My boss is trying to win me back by complimenting my intelligence, beauty, and hard work. Little does she know that my mother has been putting me through this rapid cycling of compliments followed by self-esteem destruction for 30 years. The only way to win this war is to change my phone number and not show up for Christmas. 
March 22, 2011 

I am sitting down to relax for exactly 3.5 minutes before I clean and do homework...STOP YELLING AT EACHOTHER KIDS!! I’M BEING RELAXED!!
March 23, 2011 

April

I hope there’s a like button in the afterlife.
April 1, 2011 

I’m starting to wonder if my Fairy Godmother got laid off.
April 5, 2011 

I feel a deep sadness that I am unable to speak with funny accents.
April 16, 2011

I thought God was going to give me a daughter that always smells like roses. I got gypped.
April 18, 2011

To Be Continued...

1 comment:

  1. Good soup for the soul. Love it.

    ReplyDelete