Sunday, January 1, 2012

In Memoriam of THE Dodge Stratus

Stratus Edited  Stratus 2
I want to take some time this New Year’s Day to say goodbye to my old car, the one and only, Dodge Stratus. The Stratus and I met in March of 2002. We had a great first five or six years before our relationship started going downhill (everyone gets sick of me after five years, even the kids).  What follows is a compilation of Facebook statuses documenting our torrid relationship, which ended in a tragic beheading in September of 2011 (just like all relationships inevitably do).

To my dear Stratus, you were a part of the family.  Like the white trash part of the family I didn't want to admit I was related to, but a part of the family none the less.  We had some good times…remember when your entire wheel fell off while my mom was driving you? She had the most spectacular temper tantrum. I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. We had some really bad times too, but no other car will ever come close to replacing you in my heart.

The Memories (2009-2011) 

I had someone dent my car last month and I just chipped one of my bottom teeth. I never thought I would grow up to be so ghetto.

My car is broken, again. I need to keep a couple of extra ones around the house for these occasions.

I am having a dance party in the Dodge Stratus: $5 admission fee.

I burned the crap out of my hand adding oil to the Stratus. Mark my words Stratus, I will get you back when you least expect it...

I take back anything mean I ever said about my car. Thanks for starting this morning Stratus.

I think my car is out to get me. I am going to give it a good stern talking to.

The Stratus has a broken strut. I wish it would just spontaneously combust.

The Stratus just made a clunking sound and stopped working. This is not what I needed right now.

I just left my car running with my purse in it. Please steal my identity and don’t forget the car.

My car got rear ended this morning by a hot young firefighter, and oddly enough, he just asked me out for drinks.

Happy 8th Birthday to my Dodge Stratus that WON`T FUCKING DIE!!!

Who can turn off The Monkees when they come on the radio? I`ll tell you what, I sure can`t.  No matter how many people in the cars around me scream and cover their ears.

My coworker: "Is that hail?" Me: "If it is, I think it will just add to the Stratus’s character.”

Oh BALLS! My car just started overheating.

The Stratus had a small geyser of antifreeze spewing out of her. She's all better and I am free to start hating her again.

To all the men who want to date me: I am not my income level, my future income level, my looks, my baby making abilities, my car (definitely not my car) or my apartment. If you can`t see beyond those things don`t bother calling me.

I busted through another strut mounting on the way to work. Thank you Dodge for making my car with the cheapest parts possible and a big thank you to Chicago for having the highest taxes possible and still not fixing the roads. You awful, corrupt, political beast you *pinches Chicago’s cheeks*.

I am taking bets as to whether my car makes it through the winter. The Dodge Stratus has officially traveled 152,000 miles and has a completely reasonable amount of duct tape holding her together.

My car heater smells like burnt rubber when it has been running for awhile. I swear to God Stratus, if you start on fire I`m not going to let the firefighters put you out.

My cousin`s two year old (while pointing at my Dodge Stratus): "Is that a race car daddy?"  My cousin: "No, that is definitely not a race car son."

The heater in my car just stopped working, it has been one of those weeks. I get it Stratus, you`re old, you feel overworked and underappreciated. I totally get it buddy.

(While my car was in the car hospital) I just pulled up to the Starbuck`s drive-thru in my mom`s Buick while listening to a Stevie Wonder song. I even embarrass myself sometimes.

I’m blasting some rap in the Buick. Don`t tell my mom I turned her radio up this loud.

The Stratus has been resurrected. Maybe its name should be Rocky...or Jesus.

I think I can`t decide on a nickname for the Stratus because nothing sounds funnier than "The Stratus". Thanks for that Saturday Night Live.

...and the Stratus goes down with a super fast coolant leak. It was steaming and everything. Oh, you Stratus, you.

Why is it that whenever I borrow my parent’s Buick, all that comes on the radio is super bitchin` 80s music?

I am all ready to drive the kids to Iowa. Oil checked, tires checked, transmission fluid checked, windshield washer fluid filled, extra oil, coolant and fix a flat in the trunk. Although, knowing the Stratus I should probably throw an extra engine in the trunk for good measure.

I went to church yesterday and God rewarded me with a car accident on the way home. That's not funny God.

The Stratus just got its official death sentence. It had an internal fire and the battery exploded...besides the deployed airbags, shattered windshield, and all the body damage.

I keep having dreams that The Stratus came back. By "came back", I mean it's sitting on the porch peering in the window, waiting for me to wake up.

I was thinking about naming the Fusion "Stratus" because I'm having a hard time letting go of the Stratus and its great stories. Although, I think that might be horribly bad luck. 

Rest in peace, dear Stratus, rest in peace. 

“What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” -Helen Keller

3 comments:

  1. It is my sincere hope that the Fusion is a much less stressful vehicle and that all its hijinks are only hilarious =)

    For the record, I think you should go Office Space on the Stratus...very satisfying.

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  2. Sarah Gomez DykstraJanuary 5, 2012 at 12:15 PM

    I'm laughing and also scared for myself at the same time. It appears my reliable 2004 Saturn Vue has decided that much like my ex it wants to steal all my money, pretend it is reliable and sleep around with other women (well I'm assuming it wants to sleep around if it's anything like the ex. Which it now is)

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  3. Sarah, I think we have parallel lives. Which I am deeply, deeply sorry for. I will write something about my ex-husband cheating on me when I can laugh about it, which will probably be never or maybe when I'm really drunk.

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