Saturday, January 14, 2012

My Facebook Addiction-Part One

My Facebook Status: “I think Facebook has become my interactive diary. I would dial it back a bit but I think my head would explode from trying to hold in the random thoughts.”

I decided to put together a blog of my favorite status updates of 2011 from my personal Facebook page, mostly because I have been too tired to rant about anything lately. Hopefully you still get a laugh, despite my laziness.  I was also too lazy to really edit the length down so I am breaking it into three parts.  Happy New Year!

Click the “Like” button on my Facebook page if you’re dying for more (or even if you chortled a little, pleeeeaaasssse!!):

Best of 2011 Part One:


The older I get, the more time I spend sober. I think I`ve got this all backwards. 
January 12, 2011 

My mom gave me back all the pictures I drew for her as a kid. That’s the last picture of sunshine and rainbows with "I love you Mom" that you get from me you ungrateful bitch.
January 18, 2011 

I wish grocery carts had horns.
January 22, 2011 

I just got up and sternly lectured the cats about playing so loudly while everyone else is trying to sleep. These are the things that happen when you live alone for too long.
January 27, 2011

I just saved one of my spreadsheets with the name "fuck you". I think this means I`ve stopped caring.
January 28, 2011 


I think that if you’re over 25 years old you should NOT walk around with a bejeweled butt.
February 1, 2011 

My boss called in sick today so the work ladies won’t stop gabbing. I can tell I didn’t get enough sleep because I’m having an uncontrollable urge to rip my eardrums out of my head.
February 7, 2011 

I think it’s funny when the words "rewarding" and "job" are used together.
February 23, 2011

After recently hearing what my bachelor guy friends do with their weekends I realize why God invented wives.
February 27, 2011 


If toddlers could express themselves more succinctly (specifically to a nearby mental health professional) there is no doubt in my mind they would be classified as clinically insane.
March 2, 2011

I have my mother’s eyes...except without the crazy behind them.
March 14, 2011 

My boss is trying to win me back by complimenting my intelligence, beauty, and hard work. Little does she know that my mother has been putting me through this rapid cycling of compliments followed by self-esteem destruction for 30 years. The only way to win this war is to change my phone number and not show up for Christmas. 
March 22, 2011 

I am sitting down to relax for exactly 3.5 minutes before I clean and do homework...STOP YELLING AT EACHOTHER KIDS!! I’M BEING RELAXED!!
March 23, 2011 


I hope there’s a like button in the afterlife.
April 1, 2011 

I’m starting to wonder if my Fairy Godmother got laid off.
April 5, 2011 

I feel a deep sadness that I am unable to speak with funny accents.
April 16, 2011

I thought God was going to give me a daughter that always smells like roses. I got gypped.
April 18, 2011

To Be Continued...

Sunday, January 1, 2012

In Memoriam of THE Dodge Stratus

Stratus Edited  Stratus 2
I want to take some time this New Year’s Day to say goodbye to my old car, the one and only, Dodge Stratus. The Stratus and I met in March of 2002. We had a great first five or six years before our relationship started going downhill (everyone gets sick of me after five years, even the kids).  What follows is a compilation of Facebook statuses documenting our torrid relationship, which ended in a tragic beheading in September of 2011 (just like all relationships inevitably do).

To my dear Stratus, you were a part of the family.  Like the white trash part of the family I didn't want to admit I was related to, but a part of the family none the less.  We had some good times…remember when your entire wheel fell off while my mom was driving you? She had the most spectacular temper tantrum. I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. We had some really bad times too, but no other car will ever come close to replacing you in my heart.

The Memories (2009-2011) 

I had someone dent my car last month and I just chipped one of my bottom teeth. I never thought I would grow up to be so ghetto.

My car is broken, again. I need to keep a couple of extra ones around the house for these occasions.

I am having a dance party in the Dodge Stratus: $5 admission fee.

I burned the crap out of my hand adding oil to the Stratus. Mark my words Stratus, I will get you back when you least expect it...

I take back anything mean I ever said about my car. Thanks for starting this morning Stratus.

I think my car is out to get me. I am going to give it a good stern talking to.

The Stratus has a broken strut. I wish it would just spontaneously combust.

The Stratus just made a clunking sound and stopped working. This is not what I needed right now.

I just left my car running with my purse in it. Please steal my identity and don’t forget the car.

My car got rear ended this morning by a hot young firefighter, and oddly enough, he just asked me out for drinks.

Happy 8th Birthday to my Dodge Stratus that WON`T FUCKING DIE!!!

Who can turn off The Monkees when they come on the radio? I`ll tell you what, I sure can`t.  No matter how many people in the cars around me scream and cover their ears.

My coworker: "Is that hail?" Me: "If it is, I think it will just add to the Stratus’s character.”

Oh BALLS! My car just started overheating.

The Stratus had a small geyser of antifreeze spewing out of her. She's all better and I am free to start hating her again.

To all the men who want to date me: I am not my income level, my future income level, my looks, my baby making abilities, my car (definitely not my car) or my apartment. If you can`t see beyond those things don`t bother calling me.

I busted through another strut mounting on the way to work. Thank you Dodge for making my car with the cheapest parts possible and a big thank you to Chicago for having the highest taxes possible and still not fixing the roads. You awful, corrupt, political beast you *pinches Chicago’s cheeks*.

I am taking bets as to whether my car makes it through the winter. The Dodge Stratus has officially traveled 152,000 miles and has a completely reasonable amount of duct tape holding her together.

My car heater smells like burnt rubber when it has been running for awhile. I swear to God Stratus, if you start on fire I`m not going to let the firefighters put you out.

My cousin`s two year old (while pointing at my Dodge Stratus): "Is that a race car daddy?"  My cousin: "No, that is definitely not a race car son."

The heater in my car just stopped working, it has been one of those weeks. I get it Stratus, you`re old, you feel overworked and underappreciated. I totally get it buddy.

(While my car was in the car hospital) I just pulled up to the Starbuck`s drive-thru in my mom`s Buick while listening to a Stevie Wonder song. I even embarrass myself sometimes.

I’m blasting some rap in the Buick. Don`t tell my mom I turned her radio up this loud.

The Stratus has been resurrected. Maybe its name should be Rocky...or Jesus.

I think I can`t decide on a nickname for the Stratus because nothing sounds funnier than "The Stratus". Thanks for that Saturday Night Live.

...and the Stratus goes down with a super fast coolant leak. It was steaming and everything. Oh, you Stratus, you.

Why is it that whenever I borrow my parent’s Buick, all that comes on the radio is super bitchin` 80s music?

I am all ready to drive the kids to Iowa. Oil checked, tires checked, transmission fluid checked, windshield washer fluid filled, extra oil, coolant and fix a flat in the trunk. Although, knowing the Stratus I should probably throw an extra engine in the trunk for good measure.

I went to church yesterday and God rewarded me with a car accident on the way home. That's not funny God.

The Stratus just got its official death sentence. It had an internal fire and the battery exploded...besides the deployed airbags, shattered windshield, and all the body damage.

I keep having dreams that The Stratus came back. By "came back", I mean it's sitting on the porch peering in the window, waiting for me to wake up.

I was thinking about naming the Fusion "Stratus" because I'm having a hard time letting go of the Stratus and its great stories. Although, I think that might be horribly bad luck. 

Rest in peace, dear Stratus, rest in peace. 

“What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” -Helen Keller