Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Let's Get Personal

My Facebook status: "I have a talent for somehow working into the conversation that I have two kids and no time in the first two minutes of talking to a man I find attractive. Me=cock blocker."

Since I'm not great at meeting men in person, maybe I should try an online dating site.  I think my profile would look something like this:  

Single Mother with Two kids and More Than Two Stretch Marks Seeking Single Male Who Will Not Cheat With a 20 Year Old Even During His First, Second, and Third Mid-Life Crisis 

My Basics
Languages: A high pitched, fast, mumbly version of English.
Education: Currently going to school, may someday be your sugar momma or may be total failure.
Political views:  I will vote for the candidate who is the least like a caricature of a real person, and least likely to screw my income group over.
Sign: "Approach With Caution and Wear a Helmet/Cup”

Appearance
Eye color: Hazel with a smidge of evil.
Hair color: Changes with my mood.  My natural hair color is black and gray.  I am having a hard time coping with this so I will never speak to you ever again if you mention it.  Although, if you would like to come over on Saturday to help me pluck and/or burn my gray hair, that would be lovely.

Lifestyle
Pets: Two asshole cats who spend their time waking me up and knocking things over.
Occupation: Involuntary minion of Satan.
Kids: I have between two and one million kids, I've lost count.  It's too loud in here to concentrate on such things.
Income: It doesn't matter because the kids suck up every penny.
Diet:  If we go out to dinner, I will inevitably have to tell you that I’m a vegetarian when you ask me if I want bacon covered meatballs for an appetizer.  Usually that conversation goes like this:
Him: “You don’t eat any meat?”
Me: “No.”
Him: “What about seafood?”
Me: “Well, because it can scream when you cook it alive, I think it’s still considered meat.”
Him: “Well, then WHAT DO YOU EAT?!”
I have had this inane conversation 500 million times over the course of my lifetime.  In fact, I have this same god forsaken conversation with my family every Thanksgiving and I have been a vegetarian since I was a toddler.  I am sick of it.  If this conversation happens, I will get up and leave.  If you try to follow me into the parking lot I will run you over with my car.
Interests:  Chauffeuring my kids, making fun of coworkers, bitching about things. 

About Me
For Fun: In my free time, I enjoy napping.
Activities:  I play soccer once a week, because apparently I didn't get hit in the face with enough balls when I was married. 
Favorite Things: Writing, kicking the cats, watching Star Wars.
Warning: Has intimacy issues especially involving anything that happens in the bathroom. 

Who I’m Looking For
Gender: Male
Age: Old enough to not annoy me.
Located within: The realms of sanity.

Background/Values
Relationship: Must be actually divorced and not pining over ex-wife.  Also, I would prefer it if all your exes are really ugly and/or have been institutionalized.
Ethnicity:  Must have skin, any color is fine.  My skin has no pigment, so who am I to judge?
Faith: No preference but don’t expect me to go to church, Sunday is my day to be ungodly/sleep in. 
Languages: Our relationship would have a greater chance of succeeding if you didn't speak English.   
Education: Must be able to form coherent sentences via text.  I hate talking on the phone.  I also have a tendency to IM people from the same room.

Appearance
Eye color: Not the color of crazy.
Hair color: No preference, but if you’re bald I will make you shave whatever you have left. 

Lifestyle
Smoke: You still smoke?  Get with the times; spend all your cigarette money at Starbucks like the rest of us.
Drink: You still go to the bars?  Drink at home, alone, like a grown up.  
Has kids: The more the merrier. I am immune to the screaming.
Wants kids: My vagina wants more kids, my brain does not.  My vagina is not mentally stable.
Occupation: Has one.
Income: Must be able to pay for your own video games/drug habits/strippers. 

Actually, forget this whole thing.  I’m going to start a mom commune because I really just need someone to help out with the carpool and share the responsibility of listening to my children whine for more useless crap they don’t need. Moms, who wants in?

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