Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Let's Get Personal

My Facebook status: "I have a talent for somehow working into the conversation that I have two kids and no time in the first two minutes of talking to a man I find attractive. Me=cock blocker."

Since I'm not great at meeting men in person, maybe I should try an online dating site.  I think my profile would look something like this:  

Single Mother with Two kids and More Than Two Stretch Marks Seeking Single Male Who Will Not Cheat With a 20 Year Old Even During His First, Second, and Third Mid-Life Crisis 

My Basics
Languages: A high pitched, fast, mumbly version of English.
Education: Currently going to school, may someday be your sugar momma or may be total failure.
Political views:  I will vote for the candidate who is the least like a caricature of a real person, and least likely to screw my income group over.
Sign: "Approach With Caution and Wear a Helmet/Cup”

Eye color: Hazel with a smidge of evil.
Hair color: Changes with my mood.  My natural hair color is black and gray.  I am having a hard time coping with this so I will never speak to you ever again if you mention it.  Although, if you would like to come over on Saturday to help me pluck and/or burn my gray hair, that would be lovely.

Pets: Two asshole cats who spend their time waking me up and knocking things over.
Occupation: Involuntary minion of Satan.
Kids: I have between two and one million kids, I've lost count.  It's too loud in here to concentrate on such things.
Income: It doesn't matter because the kids suck up every penny.
Diet:  If we go out to dinner, I will inevitably have to tell you that I’m a vegetarian when you ask me if I want bacon covered meatballs for an appetizer.  Usually that conversation goes like this:
Him: “You don’t eat any meat?”
Me: “No.”
Him: “What about seafood?”
Me: “Well, because it can scream when you cook it alive, I think it’s still considered meat.”
Him: “Well, then WHAT DO YOU EAT?!”
I have had this inane conversation 500 million times over the course of my lifetime.  In fact, I have this same god forsaken conversation with my family every Thanksgiving and I have been a vegetarian since I was a toddler.  I am sick of it.  If this conversation happens, I will get up and leave.  If you try to follow me into the parking lot I will run you over with my car.
Interests:  Chauffeuring my kids, making fun of coworkers, bitching about things. 

About Me
For Fun: In my free time, I enjoy napping.
Activities:  I play soccer once a week, because apparently I didn't get hit in the face with enough balls when I was married. 
Favorite Things: Writing, kicking the cats, watching Star Wars.
Warning: Has intimacy issues especially involving anything that happens in the bathroom. 

Who I’m Looking For
Gender: Male
Age: Old enough to not annoy me.
Located within: The realms of sanity.

Relationship: Must be actually divorced and not pining over ex-wife.  Also, I would prefer it if all your exes are really ugly and/or have been institutionalized.
Ethnicity:  Must have skin, any color is fine.  My skin has no pigment, so who am I to judge?
Faith: No preference but don’t expect me to go to church, Sunday is my day to be ungodly/sleep in. 
Languages: Our relationship would have a greater chance of succeeding if you didn't speak English.   
Education: Must be able to form coherent sentences via text.  I hate talking on the phone.  I also have a tendency to IM people from the same room.

Eye color: Not the color of crazy.
Hair color: No preference, but if you’re bald I will make you shave whatever you have left. 

Smoke: You still smoke?  Get with the times; spend all your cigarette money at Starbucks like the rest of us.
Drink: You still go to the bars?  Drink at home, alone, like a grown up.  
Has kids: The more the merrier. I am immune to the screaming.
Wants kids: My vagina wants more kids, my brain does not.  My vagina is not mentally stable.
Occupation: Has one.
Income: Must be able to pay for your own video games/drug habits/strippers. 

Actually, forget this whole thing.  I’m going to start a mom commune because I really just need someone to help out with the carpool and share the responsibility of listening to my children whine for more useless crap they don’t need. Moms, who wants in?

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Fine. I'm Thankful! Geez, Get Off My Back.

My Facebook status:  "I'm thankful for Target's new line of makeup that only costs $1 and doesn't make my eyeballs fall out.  That is it though."

Wait!  Wait!  Don’t go!  I thought of more! 

I  am thankful for online classes so I don't have to be the female version of the creepy old dude on campus.

I am thankful I'm alone because I have tragic judgment when it comes to men.  This alone thing is much more dignified than cleaning up after someone I hate and spending all my spare time secretly training my cats to viciously attack him in his sleep.

I am thankful my cats haven't tried to attack me while I'm sleeping.

I AM NOT thankful that some old lady totaled my car.  I'll never forget you Stratus!  Never!  You're my soul mate!  I'll never love another!  Stop crying Fusion.

I am thankful for Facebook because I don't like talking on the phone, even to people I adore.  All the giggling baby videos are a huge bonus too.

I am thankful that my job is so wretched it's funny.  It can only get better from here.

I am thankful that all my friends are having kids.  Now they finally understand what the last 11 years of my life have been like and we can laugh-sob about it together.

I am thankful for Netflix because I don't have any friends I see in real life.  Even if it's a little high maintenance and has made some poor life choices this year.

I'm thankful that raising toddlers has given me post traumatic stress disorder.  Being hyper aware and unable to relax is super helpful for productivity.

I'm thankful that it's not Christmas.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

****SCHMALTZ ALERT***** Truly, I am thankful for my children and my friends who always remind me of the humor in everything.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Lunacy Surrounds Us: Part One

My Facebook status: “I've worked hard to set up my family like a democracy. My daughter is like the Senate (she is the high profile one) and my son is the House (no one really knows what he does all day). I, like Obama, have the power to veto and make everyone feel ashamed with my lectures and stern looks when they misbehave.”

It has been a year and a half since I compiled kid quotes for my blog. I gathered all the quotes I’ve posted on my Facebook pages and discovered I have seven pages full of them. I know my wordy-type wordiness isn’t that conducive to any of our internet combusted attention spans so I’m going to break this up into a three parter.

p.s. Click the “Like” button on my Facebook page for daily funness:

Lily: "Should I change my default browser to Internet Explorer?"
Me (from the shower): "No! Why, what are you doing?"
Lily: “Trying to practice extra garblygook."
Me: "What?!"
Lily: "Practicing garblegrrrr!"
Me: "WHAT??!!
Lily: "PRACTICING MATH!!!!!" I bet our neighbors are wondering why we`re fighting about math.

Lily: "Why are there four gas stations on that corner?"
Luke: "They must be having a gas-off."
Lily: "What's a gas off?"
Me: "It's like a dance off...but with less dancing."
Luke: "I don't think there would be any dancing, just chanting."

Me: "I think ice cream is the best thing ever invented."
Lily: "No, soccer balls are."
Luke: "No, video games are. Without video games I would be nothing."

Luke: "Lily get your feet out of my face, they`re wart-ey!!
Luke: "That`s because you put nail polish on your warts!"

Me (while taking pictures): "Luke, stop making goofy faces and look cute."
Luke: "MOM! That's just my face!"

Me: "I didn't get anything done today."
Luke: "Me neither. Except I played in the snow, that was on my checklist. Eating chocolate was also on my achievement list, which I got done too."

Luke: "There are a lot of dating processes going on in the third grade for some reason."

Luke (while watching Indiana Jones): "One thing you need to remember, if you work for a villain, he is probably going to sacrifice you."

Luke: "Mom. Do you know why Barney stopped being made? Because Barney said a swear. On the air. Then he threw a rock at a little kid."

Luke (while watching Star Wars): "Mom, what kind of ship is that?"
Me: "A battle ship?"
Luke: "No MOM, they all have names. I`ll just look it up later."

I think it`s hard being a kid. Luke just let out a warrior`s battle cry and took a running start to dive head first into the car because Lily was blocking his way. I never have to work that hard to get into the car.

Luke: "Mom, can you park real close so I don`t have to walk very far? I don`t like walking, unless it`s a special occasion like Halloween."

Me: "My shoulder is killing me."
Luke: "When I invent a time machine I'm going to come back and stop that lady from hitting us with her car. Actually, someone else will have to invent it. I'm not very good at science...or social studies."

Me (while lying on the couch feeling sore all over): “This is what happens when you’re old.”
Luke: “This is what happens when some idiot hits you with their car. It’s not because you’re old.”

The radio: "The end of the world is coming on Saturday, there will be earthquakes and fire and..."
Lily: "Oh that reminds me, Mom, when is my soccer game on Saturday?"

Me: "Everyone used to tell me growing up that eyelashes don`t grow back after they fall out."
Lily: "Mom, that`s just silly, of course they grow back, just like your hair. You shouldn`t believe everything people tell you."

Me: "Why does the radio suck so much?"
Luke: "It's not the radio mom. The singers are getting worse, just look at Justin Bieber."

Luke: "Goodbye cruel world, I'm going on vacation!"

Me (while looking at a toddler Star Wars toy): "Awwwww...this Chewbacca looks like a teddy bear!"
Luke: "Yeah, a teddy bear with a gun."

Lily (after babysitting my 3 month old nephew for the weekend): "I used to want a baby brother but you really can't get anything done with a baby around. I mean, I couldn't even sit down and finish my chocolate milk today."

Amen to that last one.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Temp-orary Insanity

My Facebook status: “Coworkers are like spouses. Everyone gets along great in the beginning but after awhile you just want to shove their faces in their oatmeal when they start talking.”
Work has been incredibly aggravating lately. There is too much work and not enough people to get it all done. This is happening in every single corporation everywhere. So many corporations are soaring along at pre-recession profit levels while all their employees slowly lose their minds.

Along with being busy, I spend my days talking to a lot of people who are not very bright. On top of being not very bright, they are incredibly, persistently needy. Earlier this week I had one of those days that took my patience and blew it into smithereens. We had a system conversion a few months ago and after that many months and a week full of training, none of my salesmen can figure out how to use their computers.

I had an email exchange with one salesperson who could not understand why an invoice was at $0 in the old system we hadn’t used in three months but was open in the new system. I explained to her five times that all the invoices in the old system said $0 because we are no longer fucking using that system when I just suddenly quit responding and decided to go home. She was obviously not going to understand what I was saying no matter how I said it. Directly after this exchange, The Temp struck.

My boss brought in The Temp to help out with resolving our small dollar disputes. If you see The Temp in the break room you have to swiftly and stealthily run in the other direction. If she catches you, she will start talking at you and never, ever, ever stop. I shot off a report to The Temp and was packing up when I got an email response from her. Now mind you, I had gotten about 200 demanding emails already that day and my patience level was at negative four billion. Also, I had just gotten over the flu, my daughter had just gotten the flu, and I always have a bajillion hours of homework so I hadn’t slept in about a year at this point.

The Temp (via email): “There are two Ns in my name, not one.”

Instead of writing, “NOBODY FUCKING CARES!!!” and going home, I responded: “My apologies.”

About three seconds later she called me.

The Temp: “I just wanted you to know that my name has two Ns so you don’t spell it wrong again.”

Me: “Okay.”

The Temp: “Well, once people do it once, they keep on doing it.”

Me: “Okay.”

The Temp: “I’m not mad at you.”

Me: “Okay. It’s 5:00, I have to go home now. Bye.” I hung up without waiting for a response.

I have been occasionally accused in the past of having less than stellar people skills. Some people would use this moment as an example. I think quite the opposite though. I was people skilling the hell out of this situation. Instead of writing, “My apologies that your parents were fucking stupid and didn’t know how to spell your name,” I simply wrote “My apologies.” That took super-human will power and self restraint. When she called me I really wanted to say, “I will not hesitate to walk two aisles over and strangle you with your phone cord if you do not shut up right this second”, but all I said was, “Okay.” I think I deserve a fucking People Handling of The Year award for responding with an incredibly awkward, stony cold “Okay.” You are welcome The Temp. You are very welcome.