Wednesday, September 28, 2011


My Facebook Status:  "There are a lot of rather sizable people on scooters here at Disney.  I can see where they got the inspiration for the movie Wall-E."

Normally when I go on vacation I turn into a totally different person.  I am suddenly content with everything and everyone.  The only unfortunate side effect is that Happy Vacation Katie is not nearly as funny as Dissatisfied "Normal" Katie.  The kids and I just got back from a week at Disney World and even though it was wonderful to be away from work for a week, Vacation Katie did not show up at all.  Let me tell you a few reasons why.

The theme parks made me realize that ninety percent of children under the age of five smell like poop.

They have ten channels on the TV at the Disney resorts and five of them are the Disney channel. There is such a thing as Disney overdose.

I discovered that as soon as the Florida morning sun hits my son's head he melts into a whiny ball of goo.  I feel the same way, I just hide it better.  I don't want to pay for the stint in the mental hospital that would result from me throwing myself on the ground and screaming in public.  I only do that sort of thing at home.

We had to wait in line for everything, even for meals, every single one.  The older I get, the quicker I turn into a raving lunatic when I'm hungry.  At one point I contemplated stabbing a Disney restaurant cashier with whatever plastic utensil I could get my hands on because she lectured me about my son getting an adult meal instead of a kid's meal.  I admit that stabbing (even with plastic) is generally out of line behavior but when I think back, I kind of regret not pouring some salt packets in her eyes.

For seven days we ate the only type of cuisine available to quick-service diners (read people who can only "afford" $40 a meal vs. $80 a meal) which was junk food.  I was afraid I would gain weight but we walked non-stop the whole week and I couldn't stop throwing up after the Harry Potter ride so I think it all evened out in the end.

I couldn’t afford a plane ticket for my Keurig so I had Keurig withdrawal all week. I also have an eensy teensy bit of a cheese addiction.  There were no cheese plates at all at my resort.  I tried to defect to Fake France in Epcot so I could exist solely off of cheese plates and espresso but they wouldn’t take me. Snobs.

My son was afraid of every single ride and my daughter relentlessly taunted him about it.  When we were in line for The Great Movie Ride at Hollywood Studios he saw movie clips from Mary Poppins and from Alien.  He started crying and said he didn't want to see the alien.  I said, "Son, what kind of sick bastard would put Alien and Mary Poppins on the same ride?".  I forgot I was talking about the same sick bastards that drew a boner on the priest in The Little Mermaid.  Whoopsie.  I also told him there was no way a dragon was going to come up to him and breathe fire in his face on the Harry Potter ride.  Again, whoopsie.

Speaking of the Wall-E's, I did not see one genuinely handicapped person riding a scooter around the parks.  It seemed like there were a million people on them though.  I thoroughly enjoyed sitting in the sweltering heat for an extra 10 minutes waiting for them to slowly inch their scooters up the bus ramps.  I saw an overweight woman and her overweight mother, who were the sole caretakers of a toddler, riding around on scooters.  I know these women could walk because they stood up to take up more seats on the bus instead of staying on the scooters. Anyway, the toddler was walking behind them crying. He should have been sitting in a cushy, shady stroller being pushed by his mother. That really has got to be some form of child abuse. I am hoping the kid survived the day without getting his toes crushed.  Sincerely, Judgy McJudgerson.

As I was walking out of the Magic Kingdom, I happened to overhear an old, Italian man talking about wanting to rip someone's heart out and shove it down their throat.  I did not feel fearful of this man, instead I felt a special kinship.  As if, no matter how different we are on the outside, we are really all the same on the inside.


  1. this was awesome, and you should write more. lol

  2. I just got back from a week at Disney World and had the exact same experience. There was a gang of "sizable" people staying at our hotel and every night it never failed they were somehow at the same park we were. Only while I have been standing in line for 45 minutes at midnight with 5 extremely overtired people who have legitimately been walking for 18 hours plus and just want to sit down for two minutes in the air conditioning and go back to the hotel and sleep. Just as the next bus pulls up...yes!!! oh wait here come the 5 fat people who just zipped right up and took up the ENTIRE bus. And there it goes...I see them back at the hotel in the food court shoving their faces with Doritos and cake. They are extremely lucky I was exhausted because I was one step away from a court trial.