My Facebook Status: “I finished my homework that’s due at midnight and it’s not even 11:59 yet! I’m going to do my hair and nails and maybe even eat some non-fat frozen yogurt! My life is so exciting!”
I was really sick for the majority of my 20s. I promised myself that if I recovered I would live life to the fullest. Well, so far I've been a big fat liar. I haven't been living life to the fullest at all. In fact, most of the time, I am a giant stick-in-the-mud. I stopped drinking because I don't like hangovers and I get them every time I drink now. I stopped dating because I think 99.9% of single men over 30 are ass-hats. I stopped going out with friends when the kids are at their dads so I could get ahead on my homework. I even stopped eating chocolate because it makes me feel like a fatty and my cholesterol test came back as “slightly elevated”. Well, Fun Katie is making a comeback.
Next time one of the snooty booty school moms gives me an "okaaaaayyy" and looks at me like I’m the alien, I'm going to say: “Anyone over the age of 16 shouldn't be wearing bedazzled jeans and you passed that 400 years ago.”
When the principal calls me because my son said something smart-assed that made another kid cry, I'll laugh before I get off the phone.
My cholesterol test be damned! I'm going to eat egg yolks with my whites once in a while!
I’m going to drink one alcoholic beverage to every three glasses of water! (I really don’t like hangovers)
I’m even going to let the kids run with scissors so they can experience the adrenaline rush that comes with living dangerously.
I’m still not going to date, 99.9% of single men over 30 are definitely ass-hats.