Sunday, August 14, 2011

How To Make Your Dreams a Reality

My Facebook status: “I came across some of my grade school assignments today.  Apparently I wanted to be an artist and a dolphin trainer when I grew up. How did I get so far off track? I could be frolicking with dolphins and having deep conversations with my artist friends in dark coffee shops. Instead I deal with corporate shitheads all day long. See what happens when you give up on your dreams kids? See!”

When I think about how far away I’ve gotten from my hopes and dreams, I get really depressed. I am a credit analyst for a large corporation so this is how I spend most of my day:


This is how I should be spending my day:


I’m thirty years old and I have two children to support so I think my dolphin dreams are long past over. Although, I’ve always said, “if you can’t win, create an alternate reality in which you did win”.

I could find ways to make my job just like dolphin training. My coworkers are pretty close to dolphin sized. I suppose I could ask them to frolic with me on the way to the doughnut table. They will do anything for fat-filled-chocolate-covered goodness. Although, I don’t think I could get them to jump fifteen feet into the air for one. I could hang one over my desk and see what happens. I think at the very least they would go on a ladder hunt for a couple of hours and I could get some quiet time.

Maybe if I could get the entire department to do choreographed tricks the sales people would like us a little more. That could really cut back on some of the arguing. I think a few bottles of whisky in the morning coffee could get this accomplished pretty quickly. I really need to get them exercising after all those doughnuts anyway. I couldn’t live with all those heart attacks on my conscience.

All the verbal abuse from my superiors can be taken care of with a little creative thinking. When my psycho boss says, “You really aren’t meeting [my unrealistic] expectations,” I’ll hear, “Eeeeeeeeeeek, eeeeek, shreeeeeek, I’m an asshole, eeeeeeeeeeeeeek.” See how easy this is?

Reality 0
Alternate Reality 2,000,001

As far as the artist portion of my dreams is concerned, I’ll just keep writing this blog. I like to pretend that because it’s on the internet, millions and millions of people read it and adore me. I’ve gotten 2,336 page views so far, so that just means 2,100 people are sitting comfortably behind each computer reading and laughing hysterically together. The only reason the paparazzi isn’t beating down my door everyday is because of my secret Single Mommy-fied identity. Someday my secret will come out and I will make billions of dollars from my writing. I will be able to sit in coffee shops, surrounded by my adoring fans while creating brilliant new pieces on a daily basis. Life couldn’t get any better than this.


  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This is my favorite blog entry of yours so far! (Of course, I say that every time, but this time I really, really mean it!!!)