Sunday, August 28, 2011

Good Luck Sucker!

My Facebook status:  "You'll notice that my blog is devoid of parenting advice.  That's because after almost 11 years of parenting I still have no idea what I'm doing.  Parenting is really an every man for himself situation anyway."

Actually, after 11 years I must have learned something about child rearing.  Let's give this advice thing a shot.  Maybe I can be the Dr. Spock of the 21st  century.

DO NOT let your child start crawling.  That is the point at which you will lose all control.

Give away your child before the pre-teen years.  Just have a new one, you've completely screwed this one up. 

Make sure you teach your kids to say "please" and "thank you".  People are always impressed by this.  Then only you will know that your child is a complete lunatic.

If you have more than one kid, just know that you will spend the rest of your life refereeing the ultimate death match going on in your living room.

If you only have one kid he will be an odd child who can only relate to adults and who can't entertain himself.  Your child will never have a successful play date or relationship.  Ever. 

Once you decide to have kids you have resigned yourself to having only $10 in your checking account for the rest of your life.  Actually, the PTA is going to demand that last $10 too.  They're going to use it to have a party you're not invited to.

If you enjoy yelling at other people's children after work and on Saturday's at the crack of dawn, coach your child's soccer team. 

Encourage your child to go to community college.  It will result in said child never finding a real job and living with you for the rest of his life, but it's still cheaper then sending him to a university.

I’ll pray for you.  Good Luck. 

1 comment:

  1. You ARE the Dr. Spock of the 21st century!!! GENIUS!