Sunday, August 28, 2011

Good Luck Sucker!

My Facebook status:  "You'll notice that my blog is devoid of parenting advice.  That's because after almost 11 years of parenting I still have no idea what I'm doing.  Parenting is really an every man for himself situation anyway."

Actually, after 11 years I must have learned something about child rearing.  Let's give this advice thing a shot.  Maybe I can be the Dr. Spock of the 21st  century.

DO NOT let your child start crawling.  That is the point at which you will lose all control.

Give away your child before the pre-teen years.  Just have a new one, you've completely screwed this one up. 

Make sure you teach your kids to say "please" and "thank you".  People are always impressed by this.  Then only you will know that your child is a complete lunatic.

If you have more than one kid, just know that you will spend the rest of your life refereeing the ultimate death match going on in your living room.

If you only have one kid he will be an odd child who can only relate to adults and who can't entertain himself.  Your child will never have a successful play date or relationship.  Ever. 

Once you decide to have kids you have resigned yourself to having only $10 in your checking account for the rest of your life.  Actually, the PTA is going to demand that last $10 too.  They're going to use it to have a party you're not invited to.

If you enjoy yelling at other people's children after work and on Saturday's at the crack of dawn, coach your child's soccer team. 

Encourage your child to go to community college.  It will result in said child never finding a real job and living with you for the rest of his life, but it's still cheaper then sending him to a university.

I’ll pray for you.  Good Luck. 

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Living For Today

My Facebook Status: “I finished my homework that’s due at midnight and it’s not even 11:59 yet! I’m going to do my hair and nails and maybe even eat some non-fat frozen yogurt! My life is so exciting!”

I was really sick for the majority of my 20s.  I promised myself that if I recovered I would live life to the fullest.  Well, so far I've been a big fat liar.  I haven't been living life to the fullest at all.  In fact, most of the time, I am a giant stick-in-the-mud.  I stopped drinking because I don't like hangovers and I get them every time I drink now.  I stopped dating because I think 99.9% of single men over 30 are ass-hats.  I stopped going out with friends when the kids are at their dads so I could get ahead on my homework.  I even stopped eating chocolate because it makes me feel like a fatty and my cholesterol test came back as “slightly elevated”. Well, Fun Katie is making a comeback.

Next time one of the snooty booty school moms gives me an "okaaaaayyy" and looks at me like I’m the alien, I'm going to say:  “Anyone over the age of 16 shouldn't be wearing bedazzled jeans and you passed that 400 years ago.”

When the principal calls me because my son said something smart-assed that made another kid cry, I'll laugh before I get off the phone.

My cholesterol test be damned! I'm going to eat egg yolks with my whites once in a while!

I’m going to drink one alcoholic beverage to every three glasses of water! (I really don’t like hangovers)

I’m even going to let the kids run with scissors so they can experience the adrenaline rush that comes with living dangerously.

I’m still not going to date, 99.9% of single men over 30 are definitely ass-hats.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

How To Make Your Dreams a Reality

My Facebook status: “I came across some of my grade school assignments today.  Apparently I wanted to be an artist and a dolphin trainer when I grew up. How did I get so far off track? I could be frolicking with dolphins and having deep conversations with my artist friends in dark coffee shops. Instead I deal with corporate shitheads all day long. See what happens when you give up on your dreams kids? See!”

When I think about how far away I’ve gotten from my hopes and dreams, I get really depressed. I am a credit analyst for a large corporation so this is how I spend most of my day:

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This is how I should be spending my day:

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I’m thirty years old and I have two children to support so I think my dolphin dreams are long past over. Although, I’ve always said, “if you can’t win, create an alternate reality in which you did win”.

I could find ways to make my job just like dolphin training. My coworkers are pretty close to dolphin sized. I suppose I could ask them to frolic with me on the way to the doughnut table. They will do anything for fat-filled-chocolate-covered goodness. Although, I don’t think I could get them to jump fifteen feet into the air for one. I could hang one over my desk and see what happens. I think at the very least they would go on a ladder hunt for a couple of hours and I could get some quiet time.

Maybe if I could get the entire department to do choreographed tricks the sales people would like us a little more. That could really cut back on some of the arguing. I think a few bottles of whisky in the morning coffee could get this accomplished pretty quickly. I really need to get them exercising after all those doughnuts anyway. I couldn’t live with all those heart attacks on my conscience.

All the verbal abuse from my superiors can be taken care of with a little creative thinking. When my psycho boss says, “You really aren’t meeting [my unrealistic] expectations,” I’ll hear, “Eeeeeeeeeeek, eeeeek, shreeeeeek, I’m an asshole, eeeeeeeeeeeeeek.” See how easy this is?

TEAM SCORE
Reality 0
Alternate Reality 2,000,001

As far as the artist portion of my dreams is concerned, I’ll just keep writing this blog. I like to pretend that because it’s on the internet, millions and millions of people read it and adore me. I’ve gotten 2,336 page views so far, so that just means 2,100 people are sitting comfortably behind each computer reading and laughing hysterically together. The only reason the paparazzi isn’t beating down my door everyday is because of my secret Single Mommy-fied identity. Someday my secret will come out and I will make billions of dollars from my writing. I will be able to sit in coffee shops, surrounded by my adoring fans while creating brilliant new pieces on a daily basis. Life couldn’t get any better than this.