Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Vagina Whisperer

My Facebook Status: "My biological clock is telling me that I just turned 30 and I NEED to have kids NOW because time is running out. I think it forgot I already started having kids 10 years ago. Anyone want to explain to my loins that two kids is just fine and I don`t need any more?"

When I posted the above comment one of my best friends suggested that perhaps I need a "vagina whisperer" to help me out. Maybe I do need the help of someone who can speak in my vagina's secret language to dissipate the aching need coming from somewhere deep in my body, or more specifically my pelvic region. I imagine the conversation between My Vagina and the Vagina Whisperer would go something like this:

My Vagina: "I just turned 30 and I NEED to find any loser with a penis (hopefully a large one) to give me a baby NOW!!!"

Vagina Whisperer: "Look here Vagina, this isn't going to be one of those super trendy vagina monologues…we need to have a frank discussion. You are out of control. You have life plans to be a rich and powerful vagina. You don't have time for any more babies. The ones you already have keep you busy enough as it is.”

My Vagina: "More. Babies. NOW."

Vagina Whisperer: "But don't you remember what babies do to you?"

My Vagina: "I don't care! I must have a baby to squeeze (not too hard) and cuddle and kiss and love. I am an empty shell of vacuumy, voidy, nothingness without another baby!"

Vagina Whisperer: "Remember how big those babies’ noggins are? Remember getting split in three different directions? Remember there being fifteen strangers in the birth room staring at you in your least glorious moment? All those interns went straight out to a party that night and told hundreds of people how the site of you ruined vaginas forever in their minds. You made those interns celibate, Vagina."

My Vagina: "Ooooh...yeah, that wasn't one of my better moments."

Vagina Whisperer: "Remember how you used to look like a glorious flower? Now you look like a flower but all dried up and dead and CRUSHED in anger. You know that every time you have a baby, they tend to be bigger than the last one right? Your last baby weighed almost nine pounds...if anything bigger than that comes out of you then I guarantee you will be reduced into a pile of flubbery pieces. You will be of no use to anyone after that. You will be nothing but a fond memory. No one wants to play with a memory, Vagina."

My Vagina: (frowny face)

Vagina Whisperer: "Do you remember being pregnant? All you wanted all the time was for someone to touch you but this was the only time in your life that no one really wanted anything to do with you. Remember when you were told that pregnant vagina doesn't taste as good as not-pregnant vagina? Remember the heartbreak? Remember the utter devastation? That was one of the worst times of your life."

My Vagina (with tears rolling down her, well...sides): "Let's not go over that again."

Vagina Whisperer: "Remember not having the energy to "play" when the babies were young? No? Me neither, that didn't happen. BUT you're really fucking old now Vagina, who knows what would happen this time around. Remember that six-week waiting period after the babies were born? I know you really only waited three weeks but that really sucked. Do you want to go through that again?"

My Vagina: (staring abashedly at her teeny tiny vagina shoes)

Vagina Whisperer: "If you just wait another fifteen to twenty years (God willing), than you'll get grandbabies that you don't have to constantly yell at and will not participate in your final demise. There...won't that be nice? It's time to retire vagina. Let's just cement in a permanent diaphragm here and you'll be good to go....wait...wait...just a few more bolts...there, isn't that better? Move to somewhere sunny, learn how to surf, and just relax. Your grandbabies will be here soon enough."

Ummmm...anyone know any good vagina cementing quotes I can finish this up with? Anyone? Anyone?

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