My Facebook Status: “I just had the kids’ parent teacher conferences. The teachers said my kids are better than your kids and every other kid that ever existed on the face of the earth at everything.”
I would like to tell you a secret about all those people who say things like: “my kid should be in the baseball hall of fame”, “pregnancy is great; I have never felt better in my life”, “my girlfriend is the most beautiful woman you have ever laid eyes on” and “I have the most wonderful husband on the face of the earth”. These people are lying because they cannot deal with their reality, and they definitely don’t want you to know what is really going on. For the ease of explanation, let’s call these people the bullshitters. Bullshitter One’s kid is awful at sports. His coach prays before every game that the kid got the flu and won’t show up. Bullshitter Two’s pregnant feet are four times their normal size. Bullshitter Three’s girlfriend is so homely, even her mother won’t carry around a picture of her in her wallet. As for our last bullshitter, the one who says her husband is so fabulous…she and Mr. Fantastic are in marriage counseling because one of them is fucking the neighbor. This particular bullshitter is most definitely on the verge of divorce.
Please don’t confuse my disdain for the bullshitters with contempt for optimists. Everyone needs some hopeful optimism in their life. The optimists are the yin to my yang, I need them. The bullshitters are not optimists, they are the people who tell you in public that everything is so great that they actually shit rainbows on a daily basis, but when you are in private all they do is complain about how bad things are.
I blame these compulsive deceivers for young people jumping into marriage because they think marriage is the key to lifelong happiness. I blame these fabricators for not telling childless women how hard it is to actually raise children. I blame them for the inevitable sadness that comes when reality hits you like a slap from a righteous bitch at a bar who thinks she’s too good for you.
Save your bullshit for your coworkers, don’t do your friends and yourself the disservice of not simply being yourself. It is fine if your kid is better at chess than at baseball. If his only talent is irritating the hell out of everyone in his vicinity, that is okay too. We will still accept you if you are pregnant, your ass is elephant sized, and you just want to be done with it. It is alright if your girlfriend resembles an orangutan, you are not so hot yourself. We expected this. It is okay if your husband stays out until midnight because he is screwing his coworker. We will hate him or sort-of-accept-him-and-make-him-suffer-for-it-with-our-witty-retorts-and-never-really-trust-him-again-for-the-next-thirty-years-until-the-god-damn-bastard-finally-dies-of-a-heart-attack-thank-god-because-we-were-just-about-to-poison-his-dinner-because-we-can’t-stand-looking-at-him-anymore right along with you…no matter what you decide to do about it.
Come on over to our side, everything will be fine. Who knows…maybe the truth really will set you free.