My Facebook Status: "The ONLY good thing about my kids being at their dad's for Christmas this year is that I will not be rushing around at 5 am Christmas morning in a panic setting out Santa presents and trying to dispose of cookies and milk without leaving the evidence somewhere the kids can find it (trying to eat a dozen cookies within a two-minute period makes my stomach hurt, I know, I've tried it) because I couldn't stay awake longer than them on Christmas Eve and I suddenly woke up with a full out panic attack that the kids will find out Santa isn't real and the Easter Bunny isn't real and the Tooth Fairy isn't real and the world is just full of shit-filled reality and no magic at all and it will be all my goddamn fault."
Yes, I am obviously the worst mom ever. The last time the tooth fairy had to visit, I also fell asleep on the couch completely forgetting to put money under my son's pillow. Luckily my kids write nice, long, sugary-sweet letters to the tooth fairy asking to keep their teeth so I just went into his room, palming a dollar bill, and miraculously found it under the bed. I would like to tell you that is the only time this has happened, but I don't want to insult your intelligence by lying to you. Come to think of it...I wonder where the kids are keeping all their teeth? Maybe I should check on that. There have been some close calls on Easter in years past too. I can't actually put the eggs out before I go to bed. The last time I did, the cats misplaced an egg after batting it around and it took me a week to find it. Small children get up insanely early on holidays so I now know I can set up an entire Easter morning celebration/egg hunt in less than eight minutes. I think this is why Halloween is my favorite holiday. There are no secret agent type missions involved with Halloween (except for when you sneak into the kids' room after they have fallen asleep to steal all their good candy, which they really deserved because the little brats wouldn't share with you). You just have to spend a trillion dollars on an outfit your kid will never wear again (and only actually wears for a half hour because "it's itchy mom!!!") and you get a bunch of free candy for your troubles.
I am kind of looking forward to the day when the kids finally find out that I have been lying to them for years about mystical beings invading our home in the middle of the night. I think my daughter knows about the whole charade and is probably playing me at this point. We live in an upper middle class town, which means my children have plenty of spoiled classmates. Last year some rich kid got something spectacular from Santa, like a helicopter or something, which left my daughter wondering why Santa only got her a crappy blanket with armholes for Christmas. I wish I could send a memo out to the other parents telling them that Santa is not universally rich and ask for a spending limit to be set on Santa gifts. Also, one of my daughter's bratty friends told her that she got an elf for Christmas last year. That's right...a fucking elf. How am I supposed to compete with that? Plus, what do you say about that to your kid? Well honey, your friend is a fucking liar because elves don't exist. I think not. This year, my daughter was using her Christmas money to pick out video games and she kept asking me what I thought Santa's spending limit was (you can tell my kids have heard the word "budget" come out of my mouth way too many times). Is Santa going to get her one or two video games this year? And could I just tell him which games to get? You should probably write it down mom, you don't have a very good memory. Right. Got it. I'll text Santa right away before I forget.
I have to stop writing now and go buy Santa presents. I think I am just going to punch some lady out in the toy store parking lot and steal all of her presents. Not because I can't afford presents, but because I cannot stand the holiday induced idiocy and rudeness of my fellow shoppers. The reality of it is that if I go in the store, I probably will assault someone for being a not-holiday-spirited jackass. Therefore, I might as well plan the whole thing ahead of time so I have a good escape route. Does anyone happen to know where I can find an Elf who works really cheap?