My Facebook Status: “Yet another thing I hate about having a female boss: If I run into her in the bathroom she always wants to talk to me. Look lady, I am in there to do my business and make sure my ass looks good in these jeans. I do not want to chat, if you insist on annoying me, let’s go by the coffee machine where at least I have the opportunity to 'accidentally' spill some scalding hot liquid on your shoes.”
Now you may think my hostile thoughts towards my boss are uncalled for. Well that’s okay, everyone is wrong sometimes. You, my friend, are wrong. My boss is a bi-polar, obsessive compulsive, back-stabbing, lying, stupid little troll. I think she may have been cloned from some of my relatives, or vice versa.
I have had a particularly rough couple of weeks at work. Last week I had a heated argument with my boss about an ethics issue. She yelled at me to do what I am told, and I said, absolutely not you horrible little wrinkled troll. Actually, I left out the “horrible, little wrinkled troll” part…too bad, I know. Someone must have explained to her what “ethics” means over the weekend because she came back on Monday treating me like gold and pretending like it never happened. I feel like an abused wife whose husband beats the shit out of her one night and then brings her flowers the next. Every day on my way to work, I pray that my job will be moved to Texas and this will be my last horrific, survival of the fittest, anxiety-ridden, traffic-filled drive to work. My Troll-Boss harassed the last woman who did my job until she quit. She was actually epileptic and the troll purposely put so much stress on her, trying to make her quit, that she had more seizures than she has had in years. She had a seizure at work and five minutes after the seizure was over, my Troll-Boss went over and started berating the poor woman over her accounts. When the woman inevitably quit, my Troll-Boss told the woman to keep in touch. I had a dream last night about what I would say to my boss when I quit/get laid off and she asks me to keep in touch. I think I will go with one of the following:
If you contact me I will not hesitate to get a restraining order against you.
I will only be talking to you in my nightmares lady.
I am sure the next time I talk to you will be when I die and go to hell. There is no doubt in my mind that you will be a central part of my own personal hell.
There is no better motivation for me to do well in school than coming to work every day only to be reminded that I do not want to work in Corporate America for people with low IQ’s and an affinity for ass kissing any longer than I have to. Of course the wise, cynical, and hilarious Mark Twain felt my pain when he wrote the following: "All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure."
I realize that I cannot succeed in this environment, so I choose to remove myself from it. Even if I miraculously get a new boss, I am afraid it will be more of the same. I told one of my Texan coworkers, I dream of hitting people at work with dodge balls so I fear that this job is bringing out my violent tendencies. He said dodge ball, smodge ball…he thinks of using sledge hammers. Whether I find a new job now or in six months or live through this torture until I graduate in two years remains to be seen. Although I promise that my petty-back-stabbing-hate-my-life-so-I-want-to-ruin-yours colleagues will not get the best of me in the process.