Thursday, August 12, 2010

Old Balls

My Facebook Status: "I walked into a jeans store the other day and loudly proclaimed that anyone who would spend that much money on a pair of jeans that already has holes in them is an idiot."

I am prematurely blogging in honor of my upcoming 30th birthday. That happens to everyone as they get older right? Oh wait, I forgot what I was talking about. Anyway, these are the reasons I know I’m getting old:

I can either stay up late OR drink, the night before I go to work. If I do both I will suffer immensely, and while I’m suffering I will tell myself the whole time that I deserve it for being such an asshole.

I take a pain reliever for an ankle ache, a headache, a neck ache, a shoulder ache, a leg ache, an elbow ache, a heartache, a toe ache, an imaginary ache or a sympathy ache almost every day.

I’m losing a half a cup size every year and gaining yards in the hip area.

I am starting to reconsider the teeny tiny size of my underwear. I’m pretty sure no one wants to see that anymore.

It takes me 3 days to recover from a hangover or a workout.

I put a dress on last week, looked in the mirror and realized my ass looked gigantic in it. I wore it anyway…you want to know why? Because it was comfy…

I stuffed my bra the other day, but only because I had a runny nose and no pockets.  When I thought about it later I realized that is something my grandma would do. 

I’m already threatening my kids that they better produce grandkids for me…even though they haven’t gone through puberty yet.

I can’t think of anything more fun to do than embarrass my kids in front of their friends. Do you want to come over and do it too? It’s fantastic.

I am a big fan of rap and I can’t understand a word they say anymore unless the rapper is at least 35 years old….and I think there is only one rapper over 35.

I have started ordering coffee at the bar instead of beer. Who the fuck can stay up past 10 pm without coffee?

My swimsuit looks more like an entire outfit than a swimsuit. I’m pretty sure I could survive a blizzard in it.

My purse is bigger than my entire upper body and I can’t find anything in it.  I now see the genius of the purse organizer they sell on infomercials.

IF I could find anything in my purse I could survive on a deserted island for years solely off its contents. 

I recently took the kids to the art museum and they had to explain the modern art to me.  I do believe my creative brain is dead.

If the words "teenage" and "love" come up in the same song I have a very strong urge to rip my radio out of my dashboard and run over it several times. I also immediately grab a bottle of whiskey and start singing "Nobody Knows the Troubles I’ve Seen".

Here are two reasons I know I’m on the young side of old:

I was going to change all my preset radio stations to national public radio but then they played Rod Stewart and I knew I wasn’t ready yet.

I still think Republicans are rich assholes who don’t care about anything except their dollar bills. I wonder what I will think when I’m 40?

Happy 30th birthday year to me and all my childhood friends. This quote really reminds me of us:

"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country."
-Kurt Vonnegut

5 comments:

  1. Another genius post!!!

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  2. Pretty funny - I've jumped over the 40 hump and relate to all of the above (except I have changed one station to public radio and usually listen to it instead of Eric & Kathy in the morning). Anyhoo - Happy Birthday!

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  3. Fantastic once again. I love that Vonnegut quote.

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  4. You are hilarious -- when are you going to publish a book? Better get started! :-)

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