Monday, August 23, 2010

Laughter and Farts

My Facebook Status: Luke (upon seeing a video of Cyndi Lauper from the 80`s): "Oh my god, she`s creepy!! How did people date her?"

What are little children made of? 
Laughter and farts and oh so much heart.

I have been doing my best to write down amusing quotes from my children the last couple of years (too bad I didn't think of it sooner).  So, I thought the best way to introduce you to them would be with their own words:

Luke: "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. MOM!" Me: "What?" Luke: "I love you so much you could die. WAIT! WAIT! I love you so much I could die."

Me: "Do you want some blackberries?" Luke (excitedly): "Fairies??!!" Me: "No baby, BLACKBERRIES."  Luke (disappointedly): "Oh no...that`s okay."

Luke: "Mommy, I love you more than ice cream and Lily doesn't. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! LILY IS SITTING ON ME!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"

Me: "Baby you only have one pair of socks in here." Luke: "I only need one pair of socks." Me: "For three weeks?" Luke: "Uh huh." Me: "Gross." Luke: "Uh huh."

Lily thinks it`s amusing that hockey players get just as many time-outs as she does.

Lily: "Why don`t you marry Mark?" Me: "Because Mark`s not the marrying kind." Lily:
"Maaaaaarrrrrkkkk!!  Why aren`t you the marrying kind?!!"

Little kid: "My dad said every Friday is opposite day." Luke: "Your dad lied to you kid."

Me: "Joanna, I think Lily`s coming over to your house for a play date later." Joanna (Lily's friend, age 9): "I got a bug in my mouth earlier."

Luke: "Barbie is really not cute at all." I LOVE my son.

Luke put on a pair of very high water pants because he`s growing like a little sprout. He then said "See mom! My ankles won`t be hot!"

Luke: "LILY STOP IT! Do you want some dirty pants in your face?! Is that what you want?! Huh?!!  HUH??!!"

Luke: "Here mom, you can help me by alphabetizing this pile. If you have any questions about the letters just ask me."

Lily: "Oh Luke, get your elbow out of my eye! Mayday! Mayday! I can`t see!"

Luke: "Mommy, can you carry me to bed? I've been working ALLLLLLLL day long."

Me: "Why didn`t you people tell me I put my dress on inside out?" Luke: "I don`t know, that`s Lily`s department. Me: "I guess I should have figured that since you put your shirt on backwards this morning."

Me:  Last night, for the first time, my 7 year old grabbed the remote from me and said "Mom, give me that, you don`t know how to do it." All I was thinking in my head was "I KNOW HOW TO WORK A REMOTE...I AM NOT MY MOTHER!!"

Lily is filling out my census form for me. I knew I had kids for a reason...

Me: "Will you go to work for me and I`ll go to school for you?"  Luke: "You`re too old to go to school mom." Me: "But I want to play dodge ball all day." Luke: "Wouldn`t it be cool if you could play dodge ball at work? The other ladies would be like `No I don`t want to play` and they would keep talking and WHABAM you could hit them with the ball. WHABAM!!!"

Luke: "I would have been done with my tunnel at recess today but I ACCIDENTALLY used a pretend jackhammer and caved it in."

Me: "Do you want to go see that movie?" Luke: " It`s rated PG, you know, Parents and Grandparents."

Luke (while reading the Guinness Book of World Records): "Mom, I`m going to let you borrow this so you`re not bored at my basketball game, but MOM, DO NOT look at page 86, it`s so gross. You can look at page 84, but skip page 86, MOM YOU DO NOT WANT TO SEE THIS. Just look at the page numbers and skip over it. MOM, just do NOT look at it. 84 is fine...NOT 86.  Never mind, maybe I should show you the book myself so you don’t get scared.  You’re going to have to wait until after my basketball game.”

CRASH! Luke: "Nothing!!"

Me: "I thought you said you were full?" Luke: "I'm full on the dinner level, now I'm starting on the ice cream level."

Me (On MLK day): "Hey Luke, did you know that Martin Luther King is my favorite historical figure?" Luke: "You like Martin Luther King more than Santa Claus??!!" The schools and I have obviously failed my child.

Me: "No one appreciates me!!" Luke: "Yeah! No one appreciates me and Mommy!!" Lily: "I appreciate you guys! Wait...not you Luke."

Lily: "Can I wear something nice since we're going out to dinner?" Luke: "I don't want to wear something nice!!!" Me: "(Sigh) That’s fine, just make sure you change your underwear."

Luke: "Some things have to really change around here Mom. We really need to move the TV."

Luke: "What stupid weather! People do NOT want to drop their stuff in the snow on Christmas!!"

I was watching the new Star Trek movie with Luke, he said, "See Mom...that's why you should never try to be cool by a big stream of fire. See what happens? You die."

Lily (talking in baby talk): "Airpane, airpane!"  Luke: "Air pain? Okay! (Stands on the recliner to jump on Lily); Lily: "No! No! Stop!! Airplane!!!!"

Luke:  “Mom, my favorite movies are the ones with fun and swords.”  I do agree.

Me:  “Luke those pants are way too small for you. What size are they?" Luke: "I don`t know, I didn`t read the instructions."  Ask a stupid question…

Me:  "I can never get any peace and quiet around here!" Luke:  "You ARE in peace and quiet, you're just yelling a lot!"

Me: "Luke, wash your hands when you're done eating." Luke: "But moooooooommmmmmm! I already wiped them on my clothes!!"

I was at the park and a little girl yelled "Mommy! Mommy! I'm playing with strangers!" I hope she doesn't carry that into her teenage years.

Luke: "I think we're too big for the park. I hit my head on the green slide b/c I thought I was a little kid or something."

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Old Balls

My Facebook Status: "I walked into a jeans store the other day and loudly proclaimed that anyone who would spend that much money on a pair of jeans that already has holes in them is an idiot."

I am prematurely blogging in honor of my upcoming 30th birthday. That happens to everyone as they get older right? Oh wait, I forgot what I was talking about. Anyway, these are the reasons I know I’m getting old:

I can either stay up late OR drink, the night before I go to work. If I do both I will suffer immensely, and while I’m suffering I will tell myself the whole time that I deserve it for being such an asshole.

I take a pain reliever for an ankle ache, a headache, a neck ache, a shoulder ache, a leg ache, an elbow ache, a heartache, a toe ache, an imaginary ache or a sympathy ache almost every day.

I’m losing a half a cup size every year and gaining yards in the hip area.

I am starting to reconsider the teeny tiny size of my underwear. I’m pretty sure no one wants to see that anymore.

It takes me 3 days to recover from a hangover or a workout.

I put a dress on last week, looked in the mirror and realized my ass looked gigantic in it. I wore it anyway…you want to know why? Because it was comfy…

I stuffed my bra the other day, but only because I had a runny nose and no pockets.  When I thought about it later I realized that is something my grandma would do. 

I’m already threatening my kids that they better produce grandkids for me…even though they haven’t gone through puberty yet.

I can’t think of anything more fun to do than embarrass my kids in front of their friends. Do you want to come over and do it too? It’s fantastic.

I am a big fan of rap and I can’t understand a word they say anymore unless the rapper is at least 35 years old….and I think there is only one rapper over 35.

I have started ordering coffee at the bar instead of beer. Who the fuck can stay up past 10 pm without coffee?

My swimsuit looks more like an entire outfit than a swimsuit. I’m pretty sure I could survive a blizzard in it.

My purse is bigger than my entire upper body and I can’t find anything in it.  I now see the genius of the purse organizer they sell on infomercials.

IF I could find anything in my purse I could survive on a deserted island for years solely off its contents. 

I recently took the kids to the art museum and they had to explain the modern art to me.  I do believe my creative brain is dead.

If the words "teenage" and "love" come up in the same song I have a very strong urge to rip my radio out of my dashboard and run over it several times. I also immediately grab a bottle of whiskey and start singing "Nobody Knows the Troubles I’ve Seen".

Here are two reasons I know I’m on the young side of old:

I was going to change all my preset radio stations to national public radio but then they played Rod Stewart and I knew I wasn’t ready yet.

I still think Republicans are rich assholes who don’t care about anything except their dollar bills. I wonder what I will think when I’m 40?

Happy 30th birthday year to me and all my childhood friends. This quote really reminds me of us:

"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country."
-Kurt Vonnegut