Monday, June 28, 2010


My Facebook status: "I had a lady at work tell me people will think I’m unintelligent because of the way I dress. Said lady weighs close to 400 pounds and wears t-shirts every day."

So I was in my performance review with my group lead and supervisor and it was going well. I had glowing reviews like: "you’re a genius", "you’re the best worker we have ever been in the presence of", "take two hour paid lunches and an extra week of vacation please", blah, blah, blabbity, and blah. After we talked about my actual WORK, the group lead said "the way you dress doesn’t violate any dress codes but it is really flashy and I wouldn’t want people to think you’re unintelligent or you can’t do your job because of the way you dress". First off let me tell you about this woman so you can see where I’m coming from. This woman is in her forties, 6’3" tall and weighs at least 400 pounds. She normally wears ridiculously long purple press on nails (the tap-tap-tap-typing sound of those tacky metallic purple press-on fingernails is like the beating of the Tell-Tale Heart to me every day). You can hear her breathing from 100 yards away because she chain smokes every second of her life…AND BECAUSE SHE IS 400 POUNDS!!! She also drinks five large turbo charged-caffeine filled-carbonated-cans o’ diabetes every day. Anyway, when she said all this to me she was wearing an old tie dyed T-shirt, jeans and a pair of crocs. She actually brags about owning twelve different pair of crocs and wears them to WORK every day. I typically wear a dress, a sweater, and high heels. Soooo…when I am really angry, I stop speaking all together because I know I may regret saying the god-awful things that flow through my brain. The following are just some of the things that were in my head at the time of the incident:

"If you want to see flashy, I’ll go home and bedazzle all my goddamn dresses."

"People may think you are lazy because you wear dirty old T-shirts that may have fit you 100 pounds ago to work."

"People may think you don’t care about yourself because you have what looks like four stomachs and two butts."

"I refuse to dress like a man, I do have breasts and a vagina; I am so sorry that you lost yours in your fat rolls."

You can see how I could not say any of these things at work, so I just silently stared them down. Even though I didn’t get the satisfaction of ripping her to shreds with my words, the stare down intimidates the crap out of people and won’t get me sent to HR. As a side note, when I first started working there, I was absent mindedly holding a cup of coffee in one hand and typing with my other hand, thinking over a solution to what I was working on and suddenly my coffee started spilling all over my arm. I looked up and realized that my coffee was reenacting the scene from Jurassic Park when the water starts rippling because the T-Rex is coming…this was caused by my group lead stampeding out the door for her twentieth smoke break of the day. Her stampedes have caused my drinks to spill, my papers to fall off my desk, my printer to stand up and run away screaming, etc. I was telling my cube neighbor what happened so my anger was really flowing and I started spontaneously calling the evil group lead Gigantasaur. My cube neighbor confided to me that she has been calling her T-Rex for years. She also said, "If only your friends could see this woman. That is the worst thing I’ve ever heard." She laughed for about twenty minutes and she kept randomly laughing out loud through out the day and saying she was just thinking about it again. She also offered to buy me a pair of crocs and bedazzle them so I "can fit in with the group better". I felt slightly better after talking to her because I know I’ll have a friend in hell to make fun of all the other people in hell with.

I really hate to break this news to you young people (hopefully no young people are actually reading this because it will probably make them turn to a life of crime rather than deal with this ridiculousness every day for the rest of their lives), but the "mean girl" crap doesn’t stop after high school. In fact I am sure the senile old ladies at the nursing home are all talking shit about each other’s wigs and wheelchairs. On the bright side, you get a little break from it in college just because every one is too drunk to shower on a regular basis. I don’t know, maybe if I had all the different colored crocs too Gigantasaur would accept me for who I am in my heart and soul but I am not willing to sacrifice my fashionable footwear at this point in my life.

My new boss’s boss’s boss’s boss’s boss came in to the office last week for the first time. Ironically, she is Gigantasaur’s clone. She completely ignored me (not even a hello) and complimented Gigantasaur on her crocs. I went home and updated my resume that night. Let’s face it folks, I’m not going to win this battle.
One of my friends had the idea to end all my blogs with a Dr. Seuss quote. He said everyone needs a little more Dr. Seuss in their lives. I thought this one especially related to the situation:

"And when you're alone, there's a very good chance, you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won't want to go on. But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike, And I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are." –Dr. Seuss


  1. LOL. that pretty much says it all.
    Just promise us all one thing, if you're ever going to snap on her, please have someone video it. That'd be the viral youtube video of the year! lol

  2. Gigantasaur just amuses the hell out of me, but that's very likely because I don't work for the human garbage disposal in crocs. Although I guess I should give the makers of the ridiculous footwear some credit for making a shoe without a weight limit.

    Sometimes nice words will get you what you want, but nice words and a baseball bat will get you there faster.

  3. Ugh. Great terrible story. I hate hate hate this kind of obvious mind game/girl-on-girl violence.

  4. Yes, girl on girl violence is bad! Girl on girl porn however... Awesome!!!

  5. You should go here. It will make you feel better.