Monday, June 28, 2010


This is how I feel every day at work.

Gigantasaur

My Facebook status: "I had a lady at work tell me people will think I’m unintelligent because of the way I dress. Said lady weighs close to 400 pounds and wears t-shirts every day."


So I was in my performance review with my group lead and supervisor and it was going well. I had glowing reviews like: "you’re a genius", "you’re the best worker we have ever been in the presence of", "take two hour paid lunches and an extra week of vacation please", blah, blah, blabbity, and blah. After we talked about my actual WORK, the group lead said "the way you dress doesn’t violate any dress codes but it is really flashy and I wouldn’t want people to think you’re unintelligent or you can’t do your job because of the way you dress". First off let me tell you about this woman so you can see where I’m coming from. This woman is in her forties, 6’3" tall and weighs at least 400 pounds. She normally wears ridiculously long purple press on nails (the tap-tap-tap-typing sound of those tacky metallic purple press-on fingernails is like the beating of the Tell-Tale Heart to me every day). You can hear her breathing from 100 yards away because she chain smokes every second of her life…AND BECAUSE SHE IS 400 POUNDS!!! She also drinks five large turbo charged-caffeine filled-carbonated-cans o’ diabetes every day. Anyway, when she said all this to me she was wearing an old tie dyed T-shirt, jeans and a pair of crocs. She actually brags about owning twelve different pair of crocs and wears them to WORK every day. I typically wear a dress, a sweater, and high heels. Soooo…when I am really angry, I stop speaking all together because I know I may regret saying the god-awful things that flow through my brain. The following are just some of the things that were in my head at the time of the incident:


"If you want to see flashy, I’ll go home and bedazzle all my goddamn dresses."


"People may think you are lazy because you wear dirty old T-shirts that may have fit you 100 pounds ago to work."


"People may think you don’t care about yourself because you have what looks like four stomachs and two butts."


"I refuse to dress like a man, I do have breasts and a vagina; I am so sorry that you lost yours in your fat rolls."


You can see how I could not say any of these things at work, so I just silently stared them down. Even though I didn’t get the satisfaction of ripping her to shreds with my words, the stare down intimidates the crap out of people and won’t get me sent to HR. As a side note, when I first started working there, I was absent mindedly holding a cup of coffee in one hand and typing with my other hand, thinking over a solution to what I was working on and suddenly my coffee started spilling all over my arm. I looked up and realized that my coffee was reenacting the scene from Jurassic Park when the water starts rippling because the T-Rex is coming…this was caused by my group lead stampeding out the door for her twentieth smoke break of the day. Her stampedes have caused my drinks to spill, my papers to fall off my desk, my printer to stand up and run away screaming, etc. I was telling my cube neighbor what happened so my anger was really flowing and I started spontaneously calling the evil group lead Gigantasaur. My cube neighbor confided to me that she has been calling her T-Rex for years. She also said, "If only your friends could see this woman. That is the worst thing I’ve ever heard." She laughed for about twenty minutes and she kept randomly laughing out loud through out the day and saying she was just thinking about it again. She also offered to buy me a pair of crocs and bedazzle them so I "can fit in with the group better". I felt slightly better after talking to her because I know I’ll have a friend in hell to make fun of all the other people in hell with.


I really hate to break this news to you young people (hopefully no young people are actually reading this because it will probably make them turn to a life of crime rather than deal with this ridiculousness every day for the rest of their lives), but the "mean girl" crap doesn’t stop after high school. In fact I am sure the senile old ladies at the nursing home are all talking shit about each other’s wigs and wheelchairs. On the bright side, you get a little break from it in college just because every one is too drunk to shower on a regular basis. I don’t know, maybe if I had all the different colored crocs too Gigantasaur would accept me for who I am in my heart and soul but I am not willing to sacrifice my fashionable footwear at this point in my life.


My new boss’s boss’s boss’s boss’s boss came in to the office last week for the first time. Ironically, she is Gigantasaur’s clone. She completely ignored me (not even a hello) and complimented Gigantasaur on her crocs. I went home and updated my resume that night. Let’s face it folks, I’m not going to win this battle.
 
One of my friends had the idea to end all my blogs with a Dr. Seuss quote. He said everyone needs a little more Dr. Seuss in their lives. I thought this one especially related to the situation:


"And when you're alone, there's a very good chance, you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won't want to go on. But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike, And I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are." –Dr. Seuss

Friday, June 18, 2010


My friend sent me this after reading my last post along with this message:  "I think someone made this especially for you.  You need to print these up like business cards and just hand them to dbags when they start talking to you."

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Cinder-fucking-rella


My Facebook status: "I feel like Cinder-fucking-rella every day of my life. I am living the dream."


I quoted myself here from a conversation I was having with an old friend about the men in our lives. I had a lousy week when it came to men last week. I had three men attempting to pursue me and frankly, doing a very bad job at it. One man was trying very hard to convince me that he's not a jerk like my first impression of him led me to believe. This is why I think he is not a very nice guy:  I was talking to him on IM about his recent life troubles and trying to be his friend. Before I had ever hung out with him or even agreed to hang out with him, he threw this gem into our conversation: "Please tell me you like oral." Well, that didn't go over so well with me. My response was "Yes, after I work my tail off every day providing for my family, drive my kids to all their activities, help them with their homework, make them dinner, do dishes, and do the laundry, that's EXACTLY what I think about. I think 'hey I want to give a bj to some asshole I don't even know'." I told my friend about it and she told me he obviously watches too much porn. I do believe you were right on that one my friend. So THIS same man is trying to convince me that he is not a jerk and in fact a very nice guy and I should give him a chance. Hmmmm…let me ponder over that for awhile. By the way if that story doesn’t scare all of you unhappily married people into staying married, I don’t know what will. I met another man a few weeks ago at a mutual friend’s gathering. I was going to go out with him until our mutual friend told me that he has a girlfriend already and is not so much what he would call "boyfriend material". I called the guy out on it and he did admit to seeing a couple of women right now but insists that he is faithful when he cares about someone. I don't know, I think he just sounds like a STD waiting to happen. The third man REALLY confused me. My kids and I have had several play-dates with him and his children without any hitting-on-me incidents. Until this weekend when he told me he was dating a woman who had a lot of issues and he thinks she's only in his life for a "season" and not a "lifetime" (He actually got mad at me because I couldn’t stop laughing when he said that. I asked him if he got that concept from an email forward). He told me he likes me and is very attracted to me and would like to square things away with this woman and ask me out at some point. I talked to him a few days later and he mentioned having a girlfriend several times and acted as though he never told me he wanted to date me at all. The whole thing was very odd; I wish he had never mentioned any of it. I liked having someone fun to play-date with and now I think that's gone. I think the solution to all this man drama is to start right away at ugly-fying myself. I'm going to grow out my armpit, leg and eyebrow hair, stop wearing deodorant or even showering all together and shave my oddly shaped, divot-ed head. 


Personally I think my knight in shining armor got eaten by a lion four lifetimes ago. He decided to stay back in heaven with his fourteen other wives while I take this dismal journey on this god forsaken planet. I think we should all go punch our parents for telling us all those fairy tales growing up about Prince Charming coming to rescue us. Instead of calling them "fairy tales", they should have just called them "big fat fucking lies". "Mommy! Please come tell me a big fat fucking lie before I go to bed! Please, mommy please!!" I think all the companies that make those sickeningly sweet love movies should have to pay reparations for making people believe that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. The writer who made up Prince Charming was probably an alcoholic and went home and beat his wife every day. The Brothers Grimm had it right…all the good people in their stories never got what they wanted and died horribly tragic deaths in the end. The most evil people I know (my grandmother for instance) are the ones who live to be 100 years old so they can make other people miserable for 100 years. I actually always liked Dr. Seuss...he always told me the truth.  He told me that bad things happen sometimes and you will get down, but if you just keep moving they will eventually change. He told me I control my destiny, I'm the one who can make things happen, and life just isn't easy. 


I was having a discussion about happiness with one of my closest friends the other day.  She asked me why it is that she just can't be happy. I think that no one is happy all the time. I think people who say they are happy all the time are just big fat liars. Have you ever been in one of those moods where you go to the zoo, or a fair or something similar and you look around at all the happy couples and you wonder why you're the only one who isn't happy? Well those couples aren't really happy. That guy over by the Ferris wheel has four girlfriends because his wife doesn't stroke his ego enough. You see that woman buying cotton candy? She has a boyfriend because her husband works too much and never helps her with the kids or the housework. You see that man over there? He wears his wife's thongs when she's not home and dreams about the day that his kids grow up and move out of the house and he can finally come out of the closet. Nothing and nobody is perfect. You're never going to like every day at work, your relationships are not going to be easy, and you are not always going to get everything you want. If you can have fun and have some happy moments throughout the day then you're lucky.  I have had several friends over the years ask me if they should go on anti-depressants. The people who have asked me if they should take anti-depressants are never the people who should actually be taking them. The really crazy people have no idea they are crazy, someone should be crushing up some happy pills in THEIR coffee every morning. The crazy person should not even be consulted on the matter. Everyone has down times, and everyone gets depressed; the secret is to keep moving because things will change. If you take meds that trick your brain into being happy all the time, how will you ever know when you need to make a change? Let's go back to what Dr. Seuss taught me: "On and on you will hike, and I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are. You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.) KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!" I don't think most of us will succeed in the traditional notions of success such as marrying someone model-like and perfect, making millions of dollars and living the American dream. Although we can try to find a job or some hobbies that we like, we can be nice to the people we love, and we can survive the people who don't have the best intentions. The only things that are important at the end of it all are that we try to treat other people right and that we love our children with everything we have so they don't turn out QUITE as messed up as we did.
 
Back to the original subject…if you ever feel the urge to ask me why I don’t have a boyfriend, please re-read this story instead. When these are my choices, I am quite happy to pass on my dating options and spend all my time and energy on my two beautiful, hilarious, often times smelly children.